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Jason Meridith’s two-year old son whines when he wants more juice. Brenda Kreuger’s eight-year old daughter whines about having to take piano lessons. Connie Gustufson’s daughter whines about not getting enough playing time on the softball team. Each parent finds the whining annoying, but is unsure what to do about it. In each case, the parent and the child could be helped by the following guidelines.

Do expect your child to whine. It is age appropriate at two, three, eight, thirteen, nineteen and every other age in between. Children will whine. Count on it.

Don’t say, “Stop whining.” That doesn’t work. Children do not like being ordered around under normal circumstances. When they are whining, they like it even less. One thing worse than a whiner is a whiner that engages you in a power struggle.

Do say, “Madison, that is whining. Whining doesn’t work with me. What works with me is to ask in a normal voice, with normal tone and normal volume. If you do that, sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you don’t. But it’s your only hope.”

Don’t be surprised if you are tested. Your child will check you out to see if you meant what you just said. Show them that you do.

Don’t cave. You may be tested more than once. Once your child realizes that whining doesn’t work, he will drop the behavior. A child who fights, fights because that behavior works for him. A child who runs away from fights, runs away because that works for him. A child who gives excuses, does so because that behavior works for him. Show your child that whining doesn’t work with you.

Do announce the living room, kitchen, your bedroom, and the car are whine free zones. Put up whine free signs if necessary.

Do allow your child to whine. Provide a whining area. Her bedroom will work well for this purpose. With a legitimate whining area, your child can continue to whine if she chooses and you don’t have to hear it.

Don’t whine to your spouse about your whining your child. You are always modeling. Your child learned whining behavior somewhere. Could it have been from you?

Do use a whine fine for older children. Assess each whiner $1.00 per whine. Keep it in a whine jar or whine bottle. Treat yourself to

dinner out or a massage when the whine toll allows.

Do allow children to whine in a whining journal. Inform them that you will listen to all whining if it is written down.

Do praise your child when she asks in a normal voice, with a normal tone and normal volume.

Don’t take children to stores, malls or relatives homes beyond their normal bedtime. You are asking for whining. Whining, both theirs and yours, increases with tiredness.

Do use preventative communication before you enter whine zones. Have a talk in the car before you enter the grocery store. Explain the purpose of the trip. Set the ground rules. Make your expectations clear before you enter the whine zone and you will experience less whining after you get in there.

Do inform your child that you are having trouble hearing when she whines. Tell her she is hard to understand when she chooses that tone. Tell her whining hurts your ears and they close down for whine protection.

Do make a copy of this article and carry it around with you. This will help you stay conscious that whining is a behavior you have made a commitment to eliminate.

Don’t get discouraged. Whining is learned behavior. Learned behavior can be unlearned and with consistent use of these strategies, your child will learn new behaviors to replace it.

Reproduced with permission from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller’s monthy E-zine, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. All rights reserved worldwide.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They are the co-authors of “The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.”

Chick Moorman is a veteran educator who has invested more than 40 years working with children, parents, and teachers. More than 300,000 participants have attended his lectures.

Thomas Haller is a preeminent family and couples therapist. His private psychotherapy practice has specialized in couples and their families for over 25 years. Tom is a highly sought-after speaker on the topics of parenting and coupling. He is the director of the Healing Minds Institute.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are on a mission to empower parents, teachers, and care-givers so they can in turn empower the children they love and serve. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller’s monthly E-zine on Response-Able Parenting, go to http://chickmoorman.com

During one “generation gap” quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, “I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!” With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.” “Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you.”

This is a joke doing its rounds on how the new generation gap has taken shape!

The friction between the young and old exists for ages. The joint family concept had the elders putting the flame off now and then. The younger generation of those days had to meekly submit to the advice of the elders and worked themselves up to success. But of late the nuclear family consists of the parents and maximum two children these days – the office goers, career oriented fathers and mothers have rarely little time to spend with their children. The children are forced to make independent decisions right or wrong.

This kind of generation gap happens more when the children grow up and the son gets married. Nowadays the parenting concept accepts

only parents and not the grandparents. The competitive world makes the parents concentrate more on their children who have to mould their career and settle in life rather than spend time for their old parents who are becoming more and more dependent on their children as they grow older.

The old parents being alive are considered to be a burden. The son is more enthusiastic about giving the best to his children and wants them to compete with their peers. He does not want to lose control over them and certainly feels that there should be a set pattern in bringing up his children.

The grandparents now feel that their son who had been so obedient and submissive now ignores him and does not allow grandchildren to play with them. The son in turn feels that his parents do not know anything of technological advancement and their son in turn should cope up with the latest technologies and not waste time in playing with grandparents. They would prefer their children playing on the computers rather than the grandparents.

Has the new generation gap, which is emerging now, taken a turn to disregard the elders? Or should the older persons step down and adjust to the new developments?

Hpriya Sivan

Do you struggle to get your child’s attention when they’re playing a video game? Perhaps you have dinner on the table, and want the kids to come before everything gets cold. Your objective is clear, but your child is engrossed in a video game. Their eyes are focused on the TV screen. Their hand is on the joystick. They’re playing the game, and you’re being ignored. As a result, you feel frustrated, angry and stressed. What can you do to get your child’s attention?

Try the “Pause and Eyeball” technique. First, get control of the situation by asking the kids to pause. Tell your child, “Time out! Stop you’re doing and listen to me.”

Your child may be so engrossed in their computer game that they’re almost in a trance. Their eyes are glazed over, and they may not ever hear you. This causes your instructions to be ignored . To break the trance, clap your hands and tell them to time-out. You could also use a hand bell, horn or whistle. What you’re trying to do is break your child’s trance. Ask for your child’s focused attention: “All eyes on me. Eyeballs right here!”

Demand that your children look at you when you speak. Now you have their attention. Tell them that dinner

is on the table, and they need to come now. If they groan and complain, continue to be firm. Stick to your guns. “You can play that game later. Dinner is ready and you’re coming to the table NOW.”

The “Pause and Eyeball” technique has been used in the military for years. Have you ever seen a drill sergeant addressing his troops? They are all standing at attention, and staring straight ahead. To break the trance and get everyone focused on his words, the sergeant yells, “break and look out!” This means that the troops must turn their head to look at the sergeant, so that their auditory as well as visual capacities are engaged. Now the sergeant has their focused attention.

Think of how this technique applies to your children. When your child is looking at you (visual) and listening (auditory,) then they’re more likely to obey your commands. Applying the “Pause and Eyeball” technique will capture your child’s attention and bring them to your focus. You’ll avoid the yelling, crying, screaming, arms-folded resistance, and refusing to cooperate. Remember that you’re the parent, and you’re in control. Now let’s all sit down and enjoy our dinner.

Nicky VanValkenburgh is a stay-at-home mother with two children. Check out her website at http://www.20minutestolessstress.com/

‘And all because of a damned cat! It’s only a cat, for God’ssake!’

I’ll never forget the wracking sobs of the girl sittingbefore me, and the disbelief on the face of the mother whouttered these words.

I was a Guidance Counsellor in a city high school, and thegirl’s performance had slumped in recent weeks. Her mothercouldn’t believe it might possibly be related to the loss ofthe girl’s pet cat.

It became obvious that there wasn’t much of a bond betweenmother and daughter. So over the years the girl’s need toreceive and GIVE affection had been transferred to her cat.Now that the cat had passed on, the girl was devastated.

What made matters worse was her mother’s total lack ofinsight.

Studies carried out by veterinary associations in the UKsuggest that most kids will have a pet of some kind at sometime: cats, dogs, mice, hamsters – whatever! – and it’s probably the same in other countries.

Since kids’ pets are so common, it’s well for parents tobe awareof the impact they can have on their children’s lives.

Psychologists talk of the ‘human – companion animal bond’, which can be as strong as any human-to-human bond. Oreven stronger, as in the case of the girl above.

So when the loss, illness or death of a pet occurs, theimpact can be just as devastating.

Many families (parents as well as kids) will be familiarwith the grief and devastation brought on by the death of afaithful dog.

But some parents think that the death of a mouse or fish isno big deal. It’s a tiny animal, so no great loss!

They fail to realise that the attachment or BOND betweenchild and animal is not measured by the animal’s size! It’sthe level of emotional investment that counts.

In fact we now know that the reaction to a pet’s death cango through exactly the same process as that of the loss of aloved one.

• Denial (No, he’ll be okay. He can’t havedied!)
• Bargaining (If

  I get him back I’ll look after himproperly this time!)

• Anger (It’s the vet’s fault. OR I should havedone this or that!)
• Grief (There’s a void in my life now!)
• Moving On (He’ll always be in my heart, but I’mcoping now)

How can we help our kids cope with this complex process?

Obviously, the first thing is to recognise the impact of theloss, and we can learn from the example of the mother above.

It also goes without saying that we must encourage our kidsto express their grief and explore their feelings.

And we must also recognise the value of a ‘rite of passage’.This is a ceremony, simple or otherwise, whereby the participants realise they have moved from one situation or status to another.

Following the death of a pet, this can be a burial or amemorial ceremony. As parents we MUST attend – it’s not somesimple game the kids are playing in the backyard!

It’s a deeply emotional, psychological coming to terms witha potentially devastating loss.

Encourage the kids, then, to treat it seriously. Let thempick or buy flowers. Let them draw pictures, write poems and/or sing songs. Let them say prayers of gratitude for thecompanionship they enjoyed. Let them express their grief!

Then, at all costs, avoid the temptation to supply a’replacement’ pet. Kids must have time to EXPERIENCE thevoid, so that they can come to terms with it and in due timemove on.

At that point ‘another’ pet (not a ‘replacement’) can beconsidered.

Experiencing both the joys and loss of a pet can be a soundemotional training for the unpredictability of life.

By treating this aspect of their childhood seriously andsensitively we can do our kids an immense favour.

Happy parenting!

Why do some parents and children succeed, while othersfail?Frank McGinty is an internationally published author andteacher. If you want to develop your parentingskills and encourage your kids to be all they can be, visit his web pages, http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.htmland http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html.

In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of sexual instinct. Later it was a means to increase manpower for survival (hunting the mastodon, tilling the fields). It was just a part of life, even what one aspired to. A strapping daughter was great, a robust son perhaps even better.

Having children can be an expression of love to our mate. How more intimate can two people be than to literally mix their biological (genetic) essence into a tangible package. Children also help cement the marital bond through the shared common interest. There’s ego involved too. For how would the world be right without our personal genetic packages continuing on, right?

But bearing children is serious business, not just a diversion from boredom or a means to pacify our insecurities or ego fantasies. In modern civilization things are different than in the bush or on the farm. The world already has more than enough people for its resources. Children do not help families survive; rather they are an economic burden.

To not have children is to miss out on something not duplicated by any other possible experience. It is such a joy that some parents keep repeating it without a full understanding of the long-term responsibilities and consequences. Regardless of their age you never really break the cord. So procreation is not recreation. Today’s world requires an intelligent approach to most everything. Certainly, would be parents should be educated on child rearing as well as the impact population pressure has on the world. In fact, nobody should be allowed to have children without such training. It’s insane that such an important responsibility requires nothing more than capable (and always willing) genitals.

But since there is no such training or requirement thereof, I’ll take on the duty here. Before you become Mr. or Mrs. Fecund, consider the following:

1. Babies grow up to be in-your-face teenagers and adults. They are not always so cuddly, cute and compliant. Yes, you will be god to them for about 12 wondrous years, but that’s it. Then you will have the rest of their life with responsibility without authority…they want you there to provide and pick up the pieces but don’t want to follow your advice.

2. You will not make your children what you want them to be. They are not your toys, something to solve some ego or insecurity problem you have or a glob of clay for you to shape into your perfect view of a child (modeled after you, of course). They will not change from the first time you can recognize their personality in the crib until they die of old age. Don’t try to spank them into submission or conformity to your dream of what they should be. It will not change them but it will leave you with memories to regret. All you can do is provide a healthy and loving environment for them to be what they will be. The rest is up to them.

3. You will never stop feeling a sense of responsibility toward them regardless of their age. You will never stop feeling guilt that you should have done more when they were young.

4. Children are a dramatic departure from a singles life and take a huge amount of energy and effort. It is no longer all about you. They require total devotion. If you have children when you are biologically ready in your teens, you will have plenty of energy to raise them, just not a whole lot of savvy to go along with that. You’re still a kid yourself and have not yet even figured out that the world does not rotate around you. They will be raised and gone while you are in your thirties. If you have children in your thirties, you will have plenty of energy to begin but will be running out of

steam in your forties and fifties. You will have much more life wisdom to help in their rearing though. Having children when you are quite young is therefore not a good idea, having them when you are quite old isn’t either. My vote, however, is to have them when you are older (not too), smarter, less egocentric, more mellow, are not thinking bar-scene and appreciate and savor the things around you more. A child is something to savor.

5. You will never stop feeling as though they should listen to you (rightly so), but they will pretty much stop when they are about 12.

6. The more you do for your children when they are older, the more you impede their own independent progress. Love is turning them loose, not providing for their every need. Life is a series of lessons from experiencing failures and successes. Parents who insist on providing for every need thwart a child’s development and rob them of life itself. Failure, pain and mistakes are success if we let children experience it and learn from it.

7. Children grow faster than we can keep up. About the time we come to understand and adjust to a particular stage in their life, they have moved on. You will always be behind, thinking of them in terms of a previous molt. If we do not adjust and respect their new mature stage, but keep them in our mind where they are no longer, they will move on to friends who see them for who they really are.

8. Each child brought into this already overpopulated world places an enormous burden on the carrying capacity of the earth. The earth is finite. Reproduction is infinite…until there is environmental collapse.

9. Worrying about teenage hormone-driven kids– who might do what you did when you were that age– is hell.

With all that said, there will never be another time in life when you feel so important and are so needed as when you are raising your family. There is also no equal affinity you can have for another than that for your child. Watching the development of children, when all things in the world are fresh and new to them, is like reliving these discoveries and joys yourself.

But do not be deceived into thinking it lasts. It not only doesn’t, it passes so quickly you will be aghast. It is also cruel in that, although you are a constant to your child, they are an evolving creature with a series of deaths and rebirths through their various stages. You will long for the soft tender feel of their infant bodies, their sweet milky breath, their cute antics and clumsy verbiage, their first steps, their fears that only you can allay, and the awakening of their intellect. All these marvelous things pass quickly, ultimately leaving you with the empty nest syndrome and to mourn each stage of their childhood that is gone forever.

Several children later, these are the lessons I have learned. Would I like to experience rearing them all again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Did I do everything as well or as intelligently as I now perhaps could and am telling you to? No.

Such is life.

Dr. Wysong is a former veterinary clinician and surgeon, college instructor in human anatomy, physiology and the origin of life, inventor of numerous medical, surgical, nutritional, athletic and fitness products and devices, research director for the present company by his name and founder of the philanthropic Wysong Institute. He is author of The Creation-Evolution Controversy now in its eleventh printing, a new two volume set on philosophy for living, several books on nutrition, prevention and health for people and animals and over 15 years of monthly health newsletters.

He may be contacted at Wysong@Wysong.net and a free subscription to his e-Health Letter is available at http://www.wysong.net

Fitness Tips – diet plan, exercises, weight loss and gain muscles latest information.

From very early in my childhood, as soon as I learned to, I loved to write. Stories, thoughts, letters – writing was a great joy for me. On my ninth birthday I received a gift that I will always remember. A friend of my mother’s, whom I’d known from birth, gave me a rather large book. The book was bound in dark leather with a red trim, and had no writing on the outside. When I opened it, there was nothing inside but blank lined pages. I absolutely adored that gift, and even at that young age I realized how much thought this woman put into it. She gave me something that was uniquely special to me. I still have that book; filled with everything from fictional stories to the rambling thoughts of a girl as she struggled to reach adulthood. And each time I look through this book, I remember how special this woman made me feel that day. She told me, without words, that my writing was important.

As parents we know that the closer our children’s birthdays get, the more hints and outright pleas we hear for this gift or that gift; usually things that are popular with everyone else their age. This is normal – and it’s also normal for you to buy them at least some of the things that they are asking for when their birthday comes around. It is important, however, that we don’t sell

our children short when it comes to what they truly want. Young children rarely ever march up to us and state that they would like to be recognized for their uniqueness, and we usually only hear this from our teenagers when they are angry at the limits we are imposing on them. But it is innate in all humans, no matter what age, to want to be acknowledged for our special qualities, talents, and interests. Realizing this about your children can help you find them one or two gifts, along with the latest popular things, that show them that you know who they are and what makes them special.

The child who shows a special interest in nature will love being presented with a book on identifying different types of local plants and animals. Not only did you choose a gift that your child will really use and enjoy, you’ve also just told him that you care about what he is interested in. That matters to your child, whether he expresses this to you or not.

Giving your children gifts that say “I appreciate who you are” will not only help build a stronger bond between you, but will also teach them to respect themselves and their uniqueness. It may not happen right away, but one day your adult children may just surprise you by saying, “I remember, and thank you”.

Tina W. writes for – Experience Gifts for men & Gift Ideas for Women, Activity Days

Phil Collins once sang “I can feel it comin’ in the air tonight…………” While I don’t think he was singing about report cards coming home, he sure could have been.

Report cards, those powerful little pieces of paper. Report cards can strike fear and dread into the hearts of both students and parents. So much of the power struggle around school revolves around all those letters and numbers that show up on report cards.

If you are looking forward to a good report card coming home, or if a good report card has already made it home to you, congratulations, that is something to celebrate.

If you are dreading another bad report card, or a bad report card has already made it home, hang in there, because there are many things we can do.

A bad report card is not the end of the world. In fact, there are some steps to take to improve things by next report card time.

One of my favorite solutions for bad report cards

List the grades from the most recent grading period on the left hand side of a piece of paper. Now, across from each grade, on the right hand side of the paper, list the grade goal for the next grading period.

Here is the important part: make it only one grade higher than in the last grading period. This makes pulling grades up look manageable to a teenager. You can tell them, however, that it is perfectly acceptable to improve by more than one grade if they choose to do so.

Here’s an example of this system:

D to CC

to BC to BB to AF to D D to CD to C

Now it may not seem like much to go from an F to a D, or even a D to a C, but check this out:

The difference in the Grade Point Average (GPA) between the first and second grading period using this system is the difference between a score of 1.42 and a score of 2.43.

Make a one letter grade improvement in each class in each of the next grading periods, and within two grading periods you’ve got some very nice grades on your hands.

Progress not perfection

I know it is our tendency as parents to want, expect, or even demand our kids to do more than one letter grade better. And yea, OK, they are certainly capable of it. What you want to remember is two of the important goals we have with this system:

1) Make improvement look manageable to the student. This one is important because many times studens will dig themselves a huge hole, and then convicne themselves there is no way to get out.

2) we are shooting for progress here, not perfection.

A bad report card is no fun – for students or parents. Using the one letter grade higher system can give you and your student hope and direction in manageable pieces.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring .

Q. My teenage son is turning 16 early next year and he’s already lobbying us for a new car. He says all his friends are getting new cars, that he deserves one because it’s his right when he turns 16, and he won’t drive what he calls a POS car. Do you think he is trying to manipulate us, and what do you think we should do? And since he won’t tell us what a POS car is, do you know?

A. What to do depends on what you want to accomplish.

If you want to teach your son that he can pester and manipulate you into giving him his way, then by all means get him a new car.

I know that’s not what you want to teach him though. What you have is an excellent opportunity to teach some important life lessons.

But first, let’s get that POS question out of the way. POS stands for “piece of s—” and is just another one of your son’s tools in his manipulation bag.

2 important principles

There are at least two important principles to teach in this situation. The first is the vast difference between rights and privileges.

Your son believes that getting a new car is his right as a 16-year-old. It’s not. In fact, turning 16 does not even entitle you to a driver’s license. It does make you eligible for the privilege of getting a driver’s license.

Fostering the belief that privileges are in fact rights leads to a raging sense of entitlement. Fostering a belief in privileges leads to a rare sense of ownership, appreciation and perhaps even stewardship, which is taking good care of what you have.

The second

principle is the sometimes hazy difference between wants and needs. A need is a “must have” for survival, or to accomplish something important. A want is something you would like to have but can live without.

Your son might need a car to get safely from place A to place B and you may also want to stop chauffeuring him. He may want a new car, but he does not need one. Even if you can afford to give him a new car, I think that would do him more harm than good.

Sit down with your son and tell him that you have discovered what a POS car is and assure him you have no intention of getting him one. Similarly, you have no intention of getting him a new car either.

Briefly – and I mean short and sweet briefly – explain the difference between rights and privileges and wants and needs. Then tell him that you will be glad to help him find a Point A-to-Point B car.

If he wants anything better, tell him that for each dollar that he saves over the price of a basic Point A-to-Point B car, you will match it.

He will not walk away from this conversation jumping for joy. He will walk away with the beginning of some very important life lessons, which is really the best 16th birthday present you could get him.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.

Do you have a recent college graduate who is unemployed, or if they are employed, dislikes and maybe even hates their first job? Well, don’t feel bad, because by all estimates, at least half of all recent graduates are either unemployed or underemployed (working a job that doesn’t use either their education or their ambition). It’s difficult deciding who should feel worse, our kids or us.

The children of baby boomers (our kids) are going to college in record numbers. There are more applicants to American universities today than at any time in our country’s history. There are also record numbers of foreign students flocking to American universities taking up a limited number of seats. Our college track and soccer teams have very talented South Americans, our swim teams include world class Australians and the University of Colorado’s entire ski team is European. As a result of this growing imbalance of supply and demand, the price for each college seat continues to rise.

When you and I went to college, the monthly cost was equal to a car payment. Today it is a mortgage! I have three kids all heading to private universities. The average cost of one year of private college is approaching $40,000. State schools are quickly approaching $20,000. Today, it’s not just a diploma, it’s about the “campus experience” with multi-million dollar student centers, laptop computers, cell phones, cars on campus, semesters studying abroad, and semester breaks in the Bahamas. In my next life, I want to come back as one of my kids!

As our children near graduation (in four or more years), we hope that they get what we paid for – a good job with a good future, because we want our kids to be happy and successful. But, what do you get from a college for that $80K – $160K education. Well, you get the right to put “_______ university” on the rear window of your car and the privilege to brag about your child at parties. You get a child who learned a lot about social life, living on their own (financed by you), and a child who hopefully graduates with a degree in their chosen major in four years.

Now what don’t you get for your college tuition? You don’t get a child with a job, and you don’t get any long-term career strategy or guidance. You have to do that yourself. That’s because they don’t teach Career Management in college. They don’t teach you about life, how to decide what job is best for you and how to get the job that is best for you. They don’t teach you how to perform in your job, how to deal with peers or a difficult boss, or how to ask for a new job assignment. They especially don’t teach you how to lead or how

to handle the adjustment to the culture of a new organization. They just don’t do any of this stuff. Why? Because they don’t have to. It is a seller’s market and they are the seller.

As the cost of college goes even higher, you will hear about creative job help programs being supported by universities. However, colleges have only so much money for career programs, and it will never be enough to adequately support every student. Let’s face it, after graduation, you are on your own. So, you and your child have to take control of the situation.

If you are one of the millions, yes millions, of baby boomers who has an underemployed and unhappy college graduate, you need not be ashamed. But, you do need to take action. Not the kind of action you may have taken when your child was 12 years old, and you did it for them. You need to help them help themselves. If you want to get your kid off the payroll and on the way to personal satisfaction and happiness, you must do the following 3 things:

1. Let them know you understand their challenge. Hey, despite being a little bit spoiled, your child is undergoing one of the most significant transitions of their life. Without judging them, start having discussions (listening much more than speaking) about the difficulty of leaving the college life and the support community and 4 year predictable life they left behind.

2. Help them help themselves. They must find their own goals and motivation. Encourage them to articulate and gradually commit to short and long term goals that really motivate them. Encourage them to visualize what they want their future to look like. Then ask them to decide how committed they are to achieving their goals.

3. Help them develop a plan of action toward achieving their own independence. Help them develop a plan of action aimed at achieving professional satisfaction and personal independence. There is a host of responsibilities they must accept, but building and gradually executing an action plan is the only way to start.

These 3 steps are meant to be executed over time, but with conviction by both parent and child. You don’t want them being dependent on you forever, and believe me they don’t want to be, either. So work together but start work today.

Rich Alexander is a partner with the Global Executive Search Firm Christian & Timbers and holds a Ph.D. in Career Management. He has worked with professionals at PriceWaterhouseCoopers, Johnson&Johnson, American Standard, PNC Financial Corp and many others in all walks of life, and at all stages in their career. He has also taught at 3 universities and serves on the advisory board of a major school of business. He can be reached through his career coaching site at http://www.College2CareerCoach.com

In many households, it can be quite a challenge figuring out who’s in charge of which chores and which responsibilities. This is especially true for blended families.

If not handled properly, favoritism (or perceived favoritism) can rear its ugly head in the chore realm. And the last thing parents want to hear from their kids is that their new siblings are getting “special treatment” while they do all the work.

To avoid the Cinderella syndrome that often accompanies the process of assigning chores and responsibilities for blended families, it helps to keep a few basics in mind —basics about chores and basics about your kids.

Kids Like Chores

Believe it or not, deep down (sometimes very deep down), kids like chores. “Yeah, right,” you might be thinking, “not our kids!” But the fact remains: kids have an inherent interest in contributing to others and helping out.

Think about it. As toddlers, children think chores are an exciting adventure. The vacuum is awe-inspiring, dishwashing is as thrilling as a bath, and the washing machine is a great appliance they can hardly wait to discover.

Unfortunately, parents often squelch this natural affinity toward chores. When it comes to chores, the two main messages many moms (and dads) send their kids are:

1. “Chores are not fun.”

2. “The household does not need your help.”

No wonder kids start disliking chores and responsibilities!

For blended families, the negative effects of such chore messages can be especially damaging. You certainly do not want your new son or daughter feeling that their new home does not need them!

It’s crucial to create an environment in which your children—all of them—feel needed, wanted, and appreciated. A child who believes their household needs them knows that they belong—knows that they are accepted.

Figuring Out Chores

and Responsibilities for Blended Families

Most children today think the best way they can help out around the house is by getting out of the way. As I discuss on page 86 of my book When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You, the “Go and play” attitude does not establish that vital sense of family connectedness nor does it establish the sense of contribution that is essential to your child’s future well-being.

To create this sense of belonging, include your children in household chores and responsibilities. For blended families, this can require additional time, effort and patience as you reallocate certain household tasks, but the investment is well worth it.

The next time you want to snatch the vacuum cleaner from your son because he’s not doing it right or take over on dishwashing because your daughter has chipped yet another glass, think twice.

Remember that your children gain a great sense of accomplishment in helping out around the house. Encourage them for a job well done. Especially encourage them when the job isn’t done to perfection by pointing out what they did right and gently telling them how they can improve.

Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for herfree online parenting course here.

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