Parenting resources

Conflict is part of life. It is only when we as family members don’t have the skills to move through conflict that it becomes a problem. If you find yourself revisiting the same issues—“Why can’t you pick up after yourself?”, “Why can’t you help out more with the kids?”, or “Why can’t you two just get along for once?”—you may be living in a cantankerous home environment that has your whole family in the “deep end” of life.

Don’t despair: there is a solution.

Easy-to-Use Activities for Conflict Resolution Skills Development

My book, When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You contains dozens of easy-to-use tips for developing conflict resolution skills in your children. Here are three of the most effective:

1. Establish Family Rules For Conflict – As a family, create a document that each of you can refer to during fights and arguments. Include things like: we are specific when we talk about our problems, we forgive one another, we are honest, we don’t yell or put another person down, etc. Create this document when things are going well in your household and commit to referring to it whenever a fight heats up. The more everyone is involved with creating the family rules for conflict, the more members of the family will tend to use it.

2. Use a “Mom’s Timeout” – Timeouts are often used as punishment when a child misbehaves (for example, putting them in a corner or on a stair for a certain amount of time). This technique meets with varied success. In my book, I spend four pages discussing a “Mom’s Timeout.” How this activity works is that mom

(or dad) takes the timeout—disengaging from the conflict in order to return with a clear head, one of the key requirements to resolving conflict quickly. This strategy works all the time when used correctly. Why? Because, although a mom can’t control her child all the time, she can control herself.

3. Perform “Daring Do Overs” – We all make mistakes and say things that we wish we could take back. Instead of feeling guilty, use a “Daring Do Over.” This activity is like the rewind button for your mistake. It’s your “take two” opportunity in which you can do it all over again—only this time, better. This strategy not only decreases conflict, but also helps all members of the family to practice behaving well so there is a much better chance that we all do it better next time.

Many of us cringe at the thought of conflict; however, it is an unavoidable part of life. Equip your children with the skills to handle conflict well by using the above activities for conflict resolution. Your family members will not just survive conflict: they will actually thrive as a result of it.

Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for herfree online parenting course here.

You are free to print or publish this article provided the article and bio remain as written and include a link to http://www.mommymoments.com as above.

© 2005 UltimateParent.com. All rights reserved.

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Making friends is a skill, just like playing the piano or riding a bike. Skills can be learned and behaviors can be changed. While it may require more effort for some people to be comfortable in groups, it can be learned, especially if the child is willing to put forth the effort and knows that she has your support.

Be sure to encourage a child’s positive efforts to get along with peers and to find a friend, even when it appears that such attempts are not meeting with success. Remind her of the fine qualities that she has that will add to the friendship when just the right person comes along.

Another reminder is that making just the right friend for her may take some time and not to give up. Help her to see what she has to offer as a friend. For example, you might say: “I really appreciate it when my friends call me and invite me places. It makes me feel welcome and accepted. Even on the times when I am not able to go, I still feel good to know they thought of me. That is why I treat them with kindness and respect, because that is how I want to be treated.”

In my workshops I find it helpful to make a list of what people look for in a friend. You may want to make such a list with your child. After brainstorming it is easy to include such things as:

• Trustworthy

• Kind and compassionate

• Willing to share happy and sad times

• Loyal, will watch my back

• Sense of humor

• Positive attitude, upbeat

• Similar interests

• Fun to be with

• Not be too possessive or needy

• Cooperative

• Enjoys being with me

If you look at the list, almost never does it include psychical attributes, they are all character traits and inner personal skills. If we don’t have those skills, we can work on obtaining them by practicing a little each day until it becomes automatic action. It is this attitude of openness and willingness to share that is communicated to those we would like to be our friends.

The irony is that people, young and old,

tend to blame outward appearances for lack of friends, when it is the inward attitudes and character traits that are longed for in friendship. We are not searching for lovely nearly as much as loyalty in a companion and buddy.

When we realize that it is not our big ears, speech impediment or color of skin that stops others from befriending us, as much as it is how we treat others and feel about ourselves, we will have more to offer a friendship. As you encourage making a list of what the child is looking for in a friend, be sure to mention that appearances may be deceiving. She may very well know many in her class who are also looking for just the right person to hang around with.

Hopefully, your child will draw her own conclusions that she is a valuable person and has much to bring to a relationship. And likewise, there may very well be many people who meet the criteria of a friend that she has been overlooking.

It is more empowering for a child to list her own positive qualities that will make her a valuable friend than for you to do it for her. This is her work, but you are the support team. You cannot make your child happy, popular, talented or attractive to other children. If you think you can, you will be setting both of you up for disappointment and a great deal of frustration.

What you can do is offer her suggestions, assistance, opportunities and options. Hopefully, she will recognize the clues of social interaction and ‘click’ with a good group of friends who will support her in her school years and become life long buddies.

How you manage social situations affects the way your children view social interaction. If you have meaningful relationships that add pleasure to your life, they will see that and want to have the same thing.

Judy H. Wright©2005

Judy H. Wright parent educator and family coach writes and speaks about family relationships on an international basis. For free articles and parenting tips please go to: http://www.artichokepress.com

As a child I loved to read. I would read and read and get lost in stories of adventure and mystery. I would go to my friends birthday parties and find a stash of comic books. I would be lost in some adventure hanging from a tree like Tarzen or who ever I was reading about at that time.

As I grew older, I realized that reading is magical. It can take you to places you would not ordinarily visit. It can teach you things you can never even imagine. Your imagination soars high, the sky is the limit. The love of reading is so special to me, I will never stop!

Children that are avid readers are better students and grow up to take their place in life. School is an important part of the child’s life. Many of the children go on to a higher education level where as adults their earning potential is unlimited.

As an adult, I look back upon my younger years, I realize that too much of one thing can be harmful. While I was whiling away my days reading and dreaming, I was not socializing with other children. For example, when I became an adult I had a problem with social functions. I did not fit in. Where other people could chatter away about this and that I was at a loss. I did not know how to make small talk. That is a real social disaster.

Childrens Reading Must Be Balanced:

Reading is wonderful for your child. But if your child is a real bookworm and neglects their friends and family then you have a problem. Childhood is for developing friendships, social behavior and learning new skills. Reading and learning new skills can be balanced.

Children Who Do Not Like To Read:

When a child says to me that they do not like to read, it’s boring, I feel very sad. What is going to become of this child, without reading? For this child the world becomes very small.

Electronics:

Electronics are wonderful to play with but when they take over a child’s life, where will it end? Also, where is the future child who will grow up and use their wonderful imagination and create future technology?

As parent’s, we have to find some way to introduce books and reading to our children. We do not want their brains to turn to mush.

When they are older and need to fill out an employment application what then? What kind of employment do you think they are going to get being a poor reader? All it takes is one book to make an impression on the child to change it’s life.

Reading To Your Children:

It is never to early to start reading to your child. Even babies through infancy love to listen to your soft voice as they snuggle in your arms and fall asleep.

When your infant becomes a child or older and refuses to read a book, do not discontinue the reading progam you have already established. Children love it when you read to them. It’s a wonderful one on one special time for you and your child to bond. The closeness you feel together will last forever. You do not need to spend money to read to your child. Go

to the public library and check out books. You can explore the world together.

Reading makes your imagination soar and the world has no boundaries. You can become anyone you want to be. Through reading, you can visit any country in the world.

Have Your Children Read To You:

Another way to share that special closeness and to help improve your child’s reading level is to have them read to you. You will both love that special time together.

Special Children and Audio Books:

There are many children with various special needs. Keep in mind all children love to be read to. Please have your child tested as early as possible. I speak from experience, for my daughter has special needs, even as an adult today. I am very proud of her for she is employed and drives her own car. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Talking books are another way to introduce books and stories to your special child. They can follow along in their book while listening to the story. It can improve their reading and listening skills. Keep in mind, this is not a substitution for you reading to your child.

Love Reading:

When a person loves to read just talking and touching a book makes their eyes light up and their cheeks smile. When a person does not like to read, they do not like to talk about or touch a book.

As a parent myself, I know how hard it is to get your child to do something it does not want to do. But hang in there, this is to important to skip. Our children must be able to read to function in this world. An imagination is a terrible thing to waste.

When my own two children were small, I always loved reading to them. Now, I love reading to my grandchildren. I look forward to it everytime I see them. I love the one on one attention they give me. They fight over what book I am going to read to them first. They snuggle up to me and my heart overflowes with the love I have for them. I cannot think of a better way a grandparent can prepare their grandchildren for the future.

Let me hear from you. Check out all my articles. Go to the top of this screen and leave a comment.

Copyright 2005 Linda Meckler

Linda was an avid reader all through her life. Now she is an author of her first book “Ghost Kid’s Trilogy” 3 books in 1 book. A first of it’s kind children’s adventure where love, family values and charity burst off the pages. Book (1)Ghost Kids: Two real children team up with two Ghost Kids to reunite them with their parents. Book (2)Blue Vase Mystery: Uncle Charlie the villain of the book wants out of the magical blue vase. In return he will tell the children where Pirates’ Treasure is hidden. Book (3) Pirates’ Treasure-the Hunt: The children go hunting for treasure. This book is the first in a new series: A Christy and Brad Adventure series.

Check my website http://www.member.cox.net.ghostkids/ My email lmecky@tns.net or order at http://www.buybooksontheweb.com 5 books = 40% discount. With an order of 20 or more no postage or handling. http://www.amazon.com

In a phone session with Gerald, one of my clients, he expressed to me that he was feeling very sad about his son, Luc. Luc, 29 years old, was not doing much with his life, and Gerald was berating himself for how he had parented Luc.

“I should have spent more time with him. I should have motivated him more. I should have been a better role model. I should have been more firm with him.” On and on he went, judging himself for how he had been as a parent.

“Gerald,” I said, “Luc is on his own soul’s journey. Even if you had been a perfect parent – and none of us really knows what that means – Luc might still be having the challenges he is having.”

“Really? Wow! That makes me feel much better! I never thought of it that way. Tell me more about what you mean by his own soul’s journey.”

“I mean that each of us comes here to learn certain soul lessons. Regardless of how good or bad your parenting was, Luc is on his own journey, making his own choices. You can take responsibility for how you were as a parent, but you cannot take responsibility for the choices he is making for his life.”

“But I keep feeling that if I had been a better parent, he would not be struggling the way he is.”

“Maybe and maybe not. You have no way of knowing this. Your self-judgment is your attempt to have control over something you have no control over – Luc’s choices. You are trying to avoid your feelings of helplessness regarding Luc. But you are helpless over him. You cannot make him be different.

“Each child is different and each child will respond differently to our parenting. We do the best we can for our children. Most parents want the very best for their children and feel deep pain when their children go through pain. Yet we cannot prevent them from their own soul’s journey.”

“So what can I do to help him?”

“The very best

thing you can do is to continue doing your own inner work, while praying for him. Even though he is 29, you are still a role model for him. Certainly judging yourself is not good role modeling. Luc needs to see you doing all you can to take loving care of yourself. When he sees you feeling really good about yourself and happy with your life, he might decide to make some changes. Aside from becoming a loving role model and praying for him, there is really nothing you can do about his choices. You need to accept your helplessness over him instead of trying to have control over him. Any attempts to control him will likely result in resistance.”

“Yes, he seems to be very resistant to anything I say. This is part of my frustration and sadness.”

“Right. That’s why you need to let go of trying to control him. You need to let go of being invested in the outcome regarding his choices and just keep on your own journey. The more you let go of him, the better chance you have of him making loving choices for himself, especially when he sees you making loving choices for yourself.”

Most parents want to think that they have more control over their children than they do. We want to think that if we “do it right” we can control the outcome we want for our children. It will make it much easier to let go of trying to control our children and just be the very best parents we can, when we understand and accept that they are on their own soul’s journey.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com Phone Sessions Available.

Part of my personal development regime is to read for at least 15 minutes per day and to meditate for an equal length of time. If that sounds like a discipline in any way – believe me it is! Can I just highlight that this is an intention and I’ve been practicing for years to get it to become a habit. Last month, November, was far from ideal and I managed to create a quiet time of 15 minutes twice only. And I’m aiming for improvement for December!

When I DO make the time I get the investment back in bundles. I had a moment earlier today when I asked myself, ‘What has to be in place to allow our children to develop their strengths and uniqueness as they grow? Plus, how do parents do this whilst still maintaining an element of control within our households?’ These are the 3 things that sprang to mind immediately:

1. Set Clear Boundaries

This, at first glance, might appear to be restricting, but boundaries are the most empowering facet of our reality. You see, when we’re clear about what’s not allowed, not healthy, not appreciated or not constructive, we can live with a set of parameters inside which our characters can truly excel.

For example, if I tell my daughter that ‘jumping on furniture is not allowed’ and give her the reasons why, then I can be confident that in any social environment that particular challenge won’t occur. If she agrees to play within that boundary, I can confidently take her to friends, restaurants, shops and out for treats. Same with rules around how we use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, how we behave at the table, how we dress on a school day, how we speak respectfully, how we do what we say we’re going to do, what time is bedtime and what to do when approached by a stranger.

Boundaries also work for parents to keep at the top of our game. I commit to boundaries around communication for me and my ex, around schedules (so if I say 5 pm I’ll have to be there), how much time I invest with work, how much time I’m away, how much time my daughter and I do ‘educational’ stuff with our free time and how much we just play or chill out, how late I stay up and how much I spend on fitness and aloe products (which I love!!).

2. Instill a Sense of Freedom

My grandfather died about 3 years ago at the age of 94. About 6 months before he died I was visiting him and granny (who’s still with us at nearly 96!). I asked my granddad ‘If you had your time over again is there anything you’d do differently?’ He said one thing, ‘I’d say “be careful” less’.

Our children are growing up in a fearful culture. They don’t walk to school alone, they are warned about playground safety, cycling safety, stranger safety. They climb a tree; we say ‘be careful’. They

head out to football club or to gymnastics … ‘be careful’. They head out with their friends (when they’re a bit older) and we say ‘take care’.

I’m not saying that some of these lessons aren’t wise – they are. I’m saying that to get the most out of anyone (including ourselves); their creativity, their full talent, their inspiration, their uniqueness sometimes we have to adopt a slightly different motto: ‘Take a walk on the wild side’!

3. Love Unconditionally

Absolutely and without a doubt the most powerful thing for a parent to instill in their child is that they are unconditionally loved. And this isn’t a soft, fluffy kind of love (although that’s essential too!!). This type creates a foundation of strength from which our children grow in confidence, self-belief and bold creativity from childhood to adulthood to pension-drawing age.

I remember when I was 17 years old and I wanted to take a year out to travel. The night before I left to Australia (alone … except for a backpack … eeek!), I stayed with my parents so that they could give me a lift to the airport the next day. As I was going to bed I got this huge surge of fear … ‘What was I thinking? A year? I don’t want to be alone in a strange country for A YEAR?!’

When my mum came in to say goodnight, I told her ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m not going’. She smiled, sat down on my bed and said ‘Yes you are. I know you’re scared just now but here’s the deal; if you have 10 bad days in a row, just get on a flight and come home. If you have 3 difficult days then a good one, you have to start counting from 1 again. Your dad and I will always be here and you can come home whenever you need to and stay for as long as you like. But you decided to do this and it’s going to be such an adventure! You can do this. I love you and I’m SO proud of you!’

So clearly, I went! For a year!! Confident that if things were too challenging for too long, then my parents would be supportive and loving when I appeared back on their doorstep.

I’m nearly 40 years old now. And I’m still aware that the 10 day rule applies with my parents although I’ve never used it! Even through divorce, single parenting, redundancy, and new businesses launches, my confidence and happiness – which originates with the unconditional love I received in my family home – has allowed me to discover a deeper, more positive, unlimited part of me than I could have imagined existed all those years ago.

LOVE your children unconditionally and they’ll grow into adults who love their children unconditionally. This is our highest calling, our richest legacy!

For more information and a FREE Special Report “ The 5 Secrets for Successful Single Parenting” visit: www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com
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