Parenting resources

Young people generally want to fit in to their various social groups so peer approval is a significant driver for their behaviour. For a young person resisting peer influence can mean isolation or instant ostracising so it sometimes takes great strength of will to refuse to follow the crowd.

It is important for parents to understand the value of peer groups for young people and also remember that peers can be positive influences.

While the increased influence of peers is a normal part of a young person’s development they can sometimes use some help to resist the pressure to conform that is placed on them.

The following ideas may assist you to help young people resist unwanted peer pressure:

1.Talk about peer influence with young people. Be open and frank about the subject. Let them know that while much of the influence of their friends is positive, some is not in their best interests

2. Teach young people how to say no – and still save face and status among their friends. Allow them to blame you for not letting them do something they don’t feel comfortable with but can’t admit to.

3. Encourage them to think through the consequences of their decisions. The adult brain doesn’t kick in until around 24 or

25 years of age and the last connections are fomred are those that help the reasoning process. So young people need help thinking through the outcomes of their choices. When young people are put on the spot they should think about the risk factors involved and err on the side of caution. Encourage them to think “Is this behaviour smart? Is it in my best interests?”

4.Avoid making your young person reliant on the approval of others, including you, as the basis of their self-esteem. Allow them to feel comfortable holding opinions and views that are different to yours.

5. Avoid criticising your teenager’s friends, as he or she may take it personally. Discuss your concerns and talk about behaviours rather than personalities when you discuss their choice of friends. Criticise their frinds and you run the risk that they will listen more to their friends than you, particularly if they are at a challenging stage of their development.

Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael’s Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au

“Why can’t you be more like (fill in the blank).”

The infamous comparisons. Why do we do this to our kids?

This one goes under the heading of all the things we will never say to our childen. And then these things come bursting from our mouths.

Sometimes I want to turn around and see if my parents are standing behind me speaking.

This one worked so well when your parents said it to you, why not pass it down?

This one seems so innocent, and yet can be so disabling.

The message sent

The message sent is that you are not good enough as you are, and must measure up to some other standard in order to be loved.

You may not mean to, and will probably shocked and maybe

even offended to hear this, but when you say this you are communicating that your love is conditional.

If you want a clear picture of the results that are possible from comparisons, check out the classic 1980 movie “Ordinary People.”

ParentTip One – An alternative would be to ask your teen what characteristics they might like in the person you are tempted to compare them to.

ParentTip Two – Each child has their own unique gifts. Encourage and support them.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring .

As parents, we all aim to raise our children as best we can. We teach them our values and morals – don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat – and teach them to be loving and kind, and respectful of their elders. We teach them generosity, we teach them compassion and we take great pride in them when they exhibit the values that we’ve taught them.

When children do something that goes against what we’ve taught them, we’re confused and disappointed. Let’s take a look at lying. The first time our child lies to us, it is a shock to our system. Where did they learn to lie? Is this a sign of a chronic or deeper problem? Probably not… but it certainly knocks the wind out of our vision of our perfect child.

Let’s face it, lying in children is normal. Lying in a child who is anywhere between 3 and 5 years old is usually part of the embellishment they add to stories: “I saw Santa come through the window last night” or “You made a pinky promise that I could stay up late!” Be it reality or fiction, our reaction to these stories help our children learn the difference between lying and telling the truth.

Older children will often lie to cover their tracks or get out of doing chores or remove themselves from a situation they would prefer not to be involved in. “I didn’t throw my clothes under the bed” or “I can’t mow the lawn, I’m not feeling good.” Again, the lies provide teaching opportunities as we gently remind our children that their behavior is not acceptable and discussing their discomfort around the situation that prompted the lie.

Sometimes though, lying can be an indication of a deeper issue or behavioral problem. A child who habitually lies may be crying out for help. Questions to ask yourself when lying moves beyond normal white lies to a regular occurrence: Is my child lying for attention? Or feeling trapped in situations that are uncomfortable (such as difficulty with school work)? Or is my child just lying with no regard to the outcome it will have on others?

Meet the Deer Family:

Sammy is a 7 years old. He lives with his mom, dad, and a 4 month old sister. Recently, Sammy has been caught in situations at school where he was clearly not telling the truth. His teachers have been working with him to understand how lying affects him and the other children in his class. They have also noted a decrease in the quality of his homework and his

rate of completion.

Mom and Dad have had several meetings with the school and shared that Sammy has also been increasingly distant at home. He needs much more support to become engaged with the family. They have spoken to Sammy on several occasions and each time, he reassures them that he will do better next time – but the behavior does not change.

Mom and Dad, as well as the teachers at school, have tried to help Sammy understand the impact of his lying. Despite these interventions, Sammy continues his lying.

As the school year progresses Sammy’s school work deteriorates, as does his involvement and interaction with his family at home. Sammy fell into the habit of throwing homework assignments in the trash bin before arriving home. Once the behavior was discovered, Sammy’s parents and school teamed together to resolve the issue. They began by having Sammy’s strengths and learning needs assessed. The testing uncovered several areas where Sammy needed more support. Though he excelled at math and spoke at a level beyond his years, he was struggling with his reading assignments.

Together, Sammy’s parents and teachers designed a program to help build on his strengths and support his learning. Within weeks, his negative behavior ceased. Sammy no longer felt the need to lie or throw his assignments away because he now enjoyed learning and he was feeling successful.

When your child is engaging in lying behavior try the following:

1) Communicate: Have your child clearly understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Also reinforce the difference between a telling lie and speaking the truth.

2) Connect: Have your child connect the behavior to the impact a lie has on others and themselves.

3) Collaborate: With your child to discuss other options to handling uncomfortable situations without resorting to lying.

4) Be Consistent: Remember, children model behavior they see so consistency in adult behavior will shape your child.

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com

“Get down from the table top right now! What are you doing? Floors are for standing on, tables are for eating. You need a time out, young lady. You go to your room and think about how you have been acting today.”

So little Mary, 4, goes to her room with a sulky look on her face, but is quickly lost in a game with her dolls and toys. When her mother comes to tell her that she can come out, she is so engrossed in playing that she barely looks up, completely forgetting why she was sent to time out in the first place.

So, does time out work for children?

Yes, but only when it is age appropriate (one minute for each year of age) and then followed by a discussion at eye level of why the action was unacceptable. There has to be some conversation or connection to the actual event or misbehavior for it to be used as a teaching tool. It has been my experience that the consequences need to be tied in some tangible way to the mistake in order for the discipline to become long lasting. Perhaps a more effective teaching discipline would be to have Mary scrub the table and chairs.

When the room is in chaos, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing, the potatoes are burning and the baby is crying all at the same time, the natural reaction is to explode. Even the act of seeing the bike in the driveway, again, is enough to make the blood boil and the steam come out of our ears.

However, I am convinced that parents need to step back at times and reflect on the fact that they are teachers who are training the next generation, instead of giving in to the impulse to scream, smack or threaten.Step back to see a new perspective.

It is better by far for you to give the child some warning and say “ I am so angry right now that I am afraid I will say or do something that would make both of us sorry, so I am going to go in the bedroom and calm down for a few minutes. Meet me in the living room in 15 minutes and we will discuss it. But, in the meantime, I strongly suggest you not bother me and that you spend the time thinking about solutions to the problem.”

When you feel tense, try saying calming things to yourself aloud: “Things will work out, it is not worth a stroke” “I want to have the misbehavior stop, but not damage my child’s spirit” “That was a rotten thing for her to have done, but she is not a rotten child” “She is a good child who made a bad choice” “Is this worth ruining the evening over?” “This too (or two, in the case of toddlers) shall pass.”

Relax somewhat by taking a deep breath to the count of four, hold for the

count of four and release to the count of four, while you are thinking or saying aloud “Be calm”. Now, do it again at least three times. You can feel your muscles unwind and your head clear somewhat. You will feel more in command of your voice and your actions.

Focus on solutions, not excuses

In 15 minutes (often you don’t get the luxury of one minute for each year of age, but wouldn’t it be nice?) you will have calmed down some and the child will be ready to offer solutions. Do not allow him to offer excuses, only solutions. Allowing him to own the problem and the consequences makes it a much more effective learning experience for both of you. Taking time out before a discussion gives both the parent and the child time to regain some perspective and come up with a much more meaningful solution than one handed out in a moment of anger.

An example from one mother

Sandy, Mother of 3 shared with a parenting class some excellent advice on dealing with children;

“Many times when the kids seemed to have ‘an attitude’ that I knew could rapidly lead to a confrontation, I made them go in the kitchen and have a peanut butter sandwich or some cheese and crackers and then meet me in 20 minutes to discuss things. Frequently, they were simply hungry or thirsty and needed to get some protein and carbohydrates in their body to regulate the blood sugar. It is amazing how many arguments were forestalled by a full belly. Finding out that active 11-13 year old boys needed 3,000 calories a day to operate and grow, explained why they were cranky a lot!”

Take an adult time out to regroup

You have my permission to take a time out whenever you need it. Children need firm and kind discipline and we can’t offer that when we are angry or out of control ourselves. A few minutes of reflection, prayer or deep breathing can give us a new prospective on life and the crayon drawings on the living room wall.

You do the most important work in the world and twenty years from now, it will be a funny family story about Mary on the dining room table. In reflection you will both realize that tables can be washed or even replaced, but close relationships and respectful guidance are priceless.

Judy H. Wright© 2005 www.ArtichokePress.com

Judy H. Wright is a parent educator and PBS consultant whose passion is working with Head Start staff and parents as well as child care providers. She wants to encourage a climate of mutual respect and nurturing to all. She salutes those who work with children, either in their home or as a profession. For more a complete listing of articles, books, cd’s, workshops and speaking engagements, see www.ArtichokePress.com. Be sure and sign up for the free ezine, “The Artichoke, finding the heart of the story in the journey of life.”

Why is it that we tend to not appreciate what we have until it’s gone? In the extra time that my mind has had freed up since my children have gone from home, I have found time for moments of reflection, time to learn to appreciate the present, and in hindsight wishing I could have appreciated the good stuff in parenting while I was in it. I have also gained a whole new perspective of ‘empty nest syndrome. You not only have to learn to live without the children action, friends in and out, dating, partying, school, exams, sports, arguments, curfews, sleepless nights, and a lot of balance, you have to learn to live with yourself, your own space and your spouse all over again. Maybe more time is allowed to reflect, wondering where time has gone, how did the kids get this old this fast, and why is my body not in sync with my brain that wants to enjoy this new freedom?

No one ever said parenting was going to be easy. There was never a book written to give all the answers, but we all wished there would have been. There has always been and always will be experts out there on parenting, from Dr. Spock of the 70’s to Dr. Dobson, Dr. Phil, and the Internet of today’s generation. If you are a parent reading this right now, wondering which expert to try next because your child just did another thing you cannot relate to, rest assured that “this too shall pass” and you really are the only expert your children need! Maybe at some point, we all thought we could do things different than our parents did, not make the same mistakes, and in that thinking process we cut ourselves off from the best advice, support system and role models there ever was, our parents!

Good parenting long ago was about keeping the children alive. Loss of a child would be most often accident or disease/sickness related. We may have progressed far beyond the basic life and death issues but every once in a while we have to be reminded that raising children is still about protecting life. The difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parenting becomes very clear when we hear tragic stories such as ‘abandoned baby in dumpster’ or ‘child dies of heatstroke after being left locked in a vehicle’ or

‘1 year old and 3 year old left alone die in house fire’ or ‘father given life sentence for beating child to death.’

Of course, keeping our children alive is only the beginning of our role as a parent. We want to nurture our children so they become loving, caring, respectful, compassionate adults of integrity, so we work hard at this role we have been honored with. There is compelling evidence provided that children in infant/preschool years who are parented with lots of affection and consistent care develop all their capacities in a healthy way. Children in extreme neglect or abuse end up with underdeveloped brains as well as social, emotional and physical deficits. We may qualify to win the sleepless night sweepstake, and we may have to forget our own wants for a few years but it is good to know that this hard work is especially worthwhile when our children are too young to remember.

The rewards come when your 20 year old calls you her best friend and when you get an email from your 28 year old saying ‘mom, can we hang out more next time I come home’ or simply ‘thanks for encouraging me to be ‘me’. It would be unloving for a parent to expect our child to be anyone less than who they are destined to be. When the realization sets in that we are not in control of our children’s fate, that this whole parenting thing is not about control, we are not God but simply a guide, it becomes a test of faith. Our job is about honoring, loving and supporting this person in-the-making to become the individual they are meant to be. All we can do is role model loving, personally responsible behavior.

So, what is parenting? Maybe it is not so much what we give to our children but what we receive. The greatest gift is love, generously given, with no expectation of repayment. In the end, the greatest reward is that “Reflection” that helps us see, just the kind of parent we have been. The greatest realization for me is that God loved me enough to give me children so I can give back with all my love, unconditionally!

“The cleaning and scrubbing

Can wait for tomorrow

For children grow up

As I’ve learned to my sorrow

So guilt down cobwebs

Dust go to sleep

I’m rocking my baby

And babies don’t keep.”

-Ruth Hamilton

Is it really true that teenage girls + media = low self-esteem?

The issue of media’s impact on teenagers has generated a lot of interest in the last decade. Despite contradictory findings, all researchers agree that teenage girls as a group are focused on their looks—especially on what they don’t like about themselves! Marketing departments and ad agencies spend millions each year targeting teenage girls who spend much of their hard-earned dollars (and their parents’ hard-earned dollars!) on looking good. Although the message of “girl power” is prevalent in today’s marketing messages, so is the irrefutable idea that “sexy” and “thin” are in!

The dieting industry alone generates 40 billion dollars per year in America. If you believe diets are just for adults, you will be shocked to learn that a Harvard study (Fat Talk, Harvard University Press) published in 2000 revealed that 86% of teenage girls are on a diet or believe they should be on one. Diets are common among both teens and children. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 51% of 9 and 10-year-old girls actually feel better about themselves when on a diet. As a society, our obsession with thin is relatively new. Most people (especially teens) are shocked to find that sex icon Marilyn Monroe actually wore a size 14!

But pick up a fashion magazine today and you’ll find models who are thinner than 98% of all the girls and women in America. Turn on a television and see ‘sexy’ celebrities such as Shania Twain, Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson baring their flesh. It is these role models who have become the standard of what is in vogue in the twenty-first century.

Do Teenage Girls have Low Self-esteem because of Media?

One of the most fascinating shows on self-image for teens was aired on Discovery Channel’s “Sex Files” program (Episode 12: Girl Power). During the show, they reported on eating disorders on the island of Fiji. In 1995, this tropical paradise had only 3 percent of girls with eating disorders in 1995.

Then western television programs were introduced, including “hits” such as ER, Melrose Place and Xena: Warrior Princess. Three years later, the eating disorders in girls on the island rose to 15%. A surprising follow-up study reported 74% of Fijian girls feeling “too fat or big” and 62% had dieted in the last month—surprising in a culture that typically upholds curvaceous women as beautiful.

Five Ways to Ensure Media Does Not Contribute To Low Self-esteem in Teenage Girls

Fortunately, parents have a huge impact on a teenage girl’s self-esteem—more so than even the media. Thus, there is much we as parents can do to ensure our teenage girls’ self-esteem soars! Here are five helpful parenting tips:

1. Encourage and Support Your Daughter’s Achievements and Passions. Focus on what it is that your teenage daughter is good at. If she enjoys math, animals or singing, support her. Acknowledge the presence of pretty girls in the

media with, “Obviously outward beauty is one of her gifts. You’ve got many gifts yourself!” Then name these gifts as well as you can.

2. Help your Daughter Get in Touch with Reality. We are bombarded with perfect idealized models of what a woman should look like. But the fact is less than 1% of the girls out there will ever become a super model. Besides, no one can compete with computer airbrushing! Share these facts with your daughter. And please note that if you are complaining about your own “thunder thighs”, this message is going straight to your daughter’s heart. Make a commitment to raise your own self-image. No one, including you, is perfect. It is our imperfections that actually make us human. Having the courage to be imperfect makes our life easier and much more joyful.

3. Focus on a Healthy Lifestyle – The less junk food you keep around the house, the less you and your family will eat it! Do you and your family a favor—stock up on the healthy stuff and refrain from insisting on second helpings. If the scale in your home is a bit of an obsession, consider tossing it out. Instead focus on how well and how healthy each of you feels instead.

4. Contribute to Others – Our preoccupation with our own weight can be positively transformed when we start focusing on others. Volunteerism boosts self-esteem. Volunteer as a family, bring a smile to others, and you’ll all be reminded of how truly fortunate you are.

5. Encourage Dad to Pay Attention in a Positive Way – Help Dad understand how detrimental well intentioned teasing about weight or looks can be. Encourage him to spend time with his daughter focusing on all the things that she is great at.

It is sad that many teenage girls and women believe that they need to be someone other than who they truly are. It is time to come clean for ourselves, for the race of woman and for our children, by beginning to love the person we are—flaws and all. Embracing our imperfection gives us the opportunity to see all the awesome things about ourselves: to acknowledge that we do have nice eyes, nice breasts, nice legs, nice whatever! And as we stop hiding our flaws, suddenly our psychological zits will become the beauty marks that make us stand out from the crowd.

Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for herfree online parenting course here.

You are free to print or publish this article provided the article and bio remain as written and include a link to http://www.mommymoments.com as above.

© 2005 UltimateParent.com – All rights reserved.

For every season, check, check, check,

There is a chart, check, check, check,

And a chart can replace some of your nagging.

A chart for chores,

A chart for grades.

A chart for homework,

A chart for hygiene.

A chart for tracking tv.

A chart for everything….

I used to spend all of my seasons nagging. The song at our home used to sound like this:”Ron, did you brush your teeth? Joe, is your snack in your bookbag? Mike, are your gymclothes ready? Ash, have you done your reading log? Ron, did you finish your math? Ron, did you vacuum the living room? Joe, did you do your social studies? Joe, is the trash at the street? Mike, did you clean the bathroom? Ash, are the dishes put away? Ron, did you brush your teeth…”

We had no time of silence and no time of peace. The constant sound of my voice annoyed ME, and I know it annoyed my kids. Multiply four kids, eight daily responsibilities, about three reminders per task, and I was averaging close to 100 nags per day. Since we posted the chart, I only have to ask, “Is your chart done?” Even on bad days, nagging is only a fraction of what it

was before.

During school, we have chores for daily work and charts for weekend work. In the summer we have a chore chart and a very popular television spreadsheet. The boys make their own charts for homework and grades. I also have charts for me; keeping up with what is required of me is hard to remember.

Charts can be prepared on a spreadsheet or word document with chores and tasks written. Visual learners may benefit from charts generated using pictures. Whatever the method, charts can provide a tangible reminder that will make the difference between a task being completed, left hanging, or forgotten.

Give every season a chart, and you may discover that it will help you find more time, including a time to speak of something besides chores and homework!

We have an Excel spreadsheet with examples of different types of charts that I’d be happy to send you. Send an email to goaskmom AT goaskmom.com and request this free resource.

Kayla Fay is the publisher of “Who Put the Ketchup in the Medicine Cabinet?” and “24 Hour Science Projects”. She and her husband live in North Carolina with their four sons. Visit Kayla at http://www.goaskmom.com or http://www.24hourscienceprojects.com.

Breastfeeding is the ultimate gift of love that a Mom can give to a baby. The main reason for breastfeeding is, of course, to provide nutrition to the baby. Everyone knows that breast milk is best food for a baby. So far no formula or artificial substance has been developed that comes close to match the benefits of breast milk. Scientists have tried this often, but the original is still way ahead of any formula out there.

How about the spiritual and mental aspects of breastfeeding? If you haven’t yet had a baby, you are probably a little skeptical about the hype that surrounds breastfeeding. When starting with breastfeeding several problems can arise. The baby has to learn his part. Latching problems are very common. A woman’s breast also needs to get used to having a baby that is trying to get its share of food from your body. Statistics show that if a new Mom gives up on breastfeeding that this happens within the first 2 weeks after the little one is born. If you can make it through the difficult beginning, you are giving

yourself a personal gift. The special feeling and the special moment when a baby latches to drink is something no man will ever experience. This is one of the special things that surround motherhood. The new Mom feels emotionally vulnerable shortly after the baby is born anyway and being to successfully breastfeed a baby is a way of Mother Nature to give the new Mom a little support she needs.

Having a little baby in your arms is one of the most wonderful feelings you can have. Going one step further with breastfeeding puts butterflies in your tummy. These are moments that will last forever and will shape the new you – a Mom. Enjoy the proud feeling; enjoy feeling the little one so close to you. Time will come early enough that this bundle of joy leaves your house to go to college and to move out.

About the Author

Christoph Puetz is a successful entrepreneur and international book author. Christoph operates a successful Pregnancy and Parenting Website. One of the other websites he maintains can be found at Pregnancy Announcements ecards.

It isn’t easy being a good parent. Even in the best of circumstances, the challenge of parenthood can be overwhelming when there are problems in the home, dysfunctions in the family and/or an inability on the part of the parent(s) to manage the family system—thus leaving the parents and children at high risk for emotional upheavals and devastation.

Raising a family can be one of the most rewarding and frustrating jobs a person undertakes. Most parents aren’t prepared for the hassles, worries and constant demands of parenting. What’s more, everyday problems can be overwhelming to a parent who often expects the joys of family life to resemble “The Bill Cosby Show” or “Roseanne” where every problem no matter how difficult or demanding was resolved in an hour with four commercial breaks.

Society fosters the perception that being a parent comes naturally when the doctor hands them that ‘bundle of joy.’ Even if a parent wants help, there are few places to turn to unless the situation is a crisis. The stigma of asking for help is a strong deterrent for most parents. Parents are embarrassed to admit, “I’m at my wits end; I need help.”

Often families are having problems long before the situation reaches the crises point. Parents can be at risk for child abuse, or even in danger of losing a child to foster care, because of a dysfunction in the home before they are willing to ask for help. It isn’t until the child is severely abused or taken away from the family that we question, “Why aren’t there any classes for parenting? That is what is needed.”

One reason there aren’t more parenting classes is because parents don’t attend in sufficient numbers to warrant having them. They don’t attend because they have the misconception that it is

admitting a failure to seek parenting help. What a travesty! Parents are set to fail before they are a parent, because parenting doesn’t come naturally and yet, parenting classes aren’t mandatory.

Everyone can improve their parenting skills. Parents do the best job they know how. Their own growing up experience was often less than ideal, and they may not have witnessed competent parenting, communication skills or appropriate interactions with children. Frequently parents have not learned what is: child misbehavior or a developmental issue that the child will soon master. Parents need to learn to see a child as a work in progress rather than incorrigible from the outset or short adults. And most of all parents need to accept that the child needs to learn through trial and error. Avoid taking it personally as your child being rebellious to your parental authority.

Parenting classes can help parents know that some things are appropriate at different stages and aren’t a series of challenges to their authority. A child who is disagreeable may not be naughty, they may not be ready to handle this responsibility, or their impulse control still needs work.

Parenting classes need to be taught by qualified spiritual and emotional health professionals. Because they are spiritual and emotional health professionals, they can often help parents with issues like low self-esteem that can be hindering their effectiveness. When parents feel empowered and grounded in their own spiritual and emotional empowerment, they are able to be a whole and healthy parent raising whole and healthy children.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD is a Life Coach, Single Mother of two adult children and grandparent to four Grandchildren and author, If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention. http://www.drdorothy.net

INTRODUCTION AND INTUITION

Are you and your children moving house soon ? If you’re moving to a new town or a new region, it can be rough on your children as they may feel uprooted and disoriented. Your children lose the comfort and security of the world they know – from their private spaces to their more public places: their bedroom, their house, their yard, their neighborhood, their school, their local park, their town and so forth. Worst of all, they lose regular contact with their friends and, possibly, aunts, uncles and cousins in the bargain. In addition, they suddenly find themselves the “new kids in town,” trying to find their niche in a new community.

This article offers some ideas that you might try in order to ease the transition for your children. They’re all just common sense, but a little advance planning can go a long way.

PREPARATIONS AND POSSIBILITIES

First of all, let your children know the reasons for the move: why you MUST move or why you WANT TO move: for a new job or a company transfer ? further schooling or job training ? for financial reasons ? to be nearer to your own parents or other family members ? due to a divorce or remarriage ? for health reasons ? for a new climate ? for a change of scene or simply for the adventure of it ? The less of a mystery it is, the more likely your children are to understand the situation and to cooperate.

Try to get your children excited about the move – the more interested they are, the more they’ll look forward to it and the less they’ll dwell on the wistful aspects of leaving their old home and familiar surroundings. Encourage them to research the new locale – its topography and climate, local history and landmarks. What interseting past events occurred in your new town or state or region ? What intersting places are there to see in the new area: state or national parks ? historical buildings ? unfamiliar birds and wildlife ? local festivals ? regional music styles ? fascinating local customs ? The bigger the move, the more there will be that’s different and exciting. For example, when I once moved from the Northeastern United states to the Southeast, I found a fascinating and exotically unfamiliar world of azaleas, swamps, alligators and clog dancing.

Make the research into a game: utilizing Internet, library books, tourist office brochures and other information sources and encouraging your children to draw up lists of the types of things that will be new, or comparisons between their old and new locales. Have them list sites they’d like to visit and new foods and activities they’d like to try. They could list all of the positive points about the move, the advantages of the new climate, and so on.

If it’s feasible, it might be nice to take your kids to see the new place in advance of the move. On the other hand, that might make the move itself anticlimatic, so it may depend on how inherently interesting the new location is. The more interesting and different from your old locale, the more a sneak preview visit might tantalize your children and peak their eagerness for the move itself. Either way, use books, Internet and travel videos to view glimpses of the new region.

When the time comes to house hunt or apartment hunt, involve your children in drawing up a list of criteria or desired features. What do you and they want in a new neighborhood: other kids to play with ? proximity to stores, school, park ? some woods to play in ? And what about your new home – will it have a big yard ? lots of trees ? space for a flower or vegetable garden ? How many rooms will it have ? Will there be a bedroom for each child ?

If possible, let the children house hunt with you and then compare notes with them on each place that you visit. Keep them in on the decision-making process whenever you can. The more input they have into choosing a new home, the more quickly it will feel like home to them.

Once you’ve committed yourself to renting or buying a place and so know what school each of

your children will be attending, let them learn all they can about it. Perhaps the school has a website that they can look at.

As you work your way through the myriad of details that you must take care of to ensure a smooth move from one locale to another (packing, moving vans, electricity, telephone lines, change of address cards,…), try not to get mired down in the minutia. Be sensitive to how your kids are feeling and try to answer any questions that they might have. Weeks in advance you could help your children set up a countdown calendar to build their sense of anticipation as the big day approaches.

CONTINUITY AND CAMARADERIE

No matter how exciting the move will be, moving inevitably entails the sadness of leaving friends and, perhaps, family behind. Make time for special activities your children can do with their friends. Have special family days with grandparents or cousins, for farewell parties, and so forth, in the weeks leading up to the big move. Take lots of photos during these events.

Don’t forget to collect addresses, phone numbers, email addresses and photographs of everyone that you and your children want to stay in touch with. Take home videos, too. (Later on, your children’s photos, scrapbooks and home videos of life in and around their old home can be shown to new friends and complete the bridge between their old world and their new one.)

Try to think of novel ways that your kids will be able to continue established relationships. For example, your children could create a simple personal website for posting family news and recent photos and updates on their new life in the new place and for exchanging emails with old friends. They could start a group blog. Buy them pretty stationary for traditional penpal-style contact with old friends. Draw up an extensive Christmas card list that leaves out no one. Consider making advance promises (and then keeping them) for having your children’s closest old friends come stay with you in your new home next summer, or whenever.

SETTLING IN AND SETTLING DOWN

As you’re moving into your new home and unpacking, try to make the setting up of your children’s special places a priority. Let them help make decisions about how to decorate their own rooms and make them as homey as possible as quickly as possible. Some of their old furniture and keepsakes will provide them with some security and continuity and help them settle in more quickly and easily. Don’t forget other spots that contribute to making your kids feel at home – such as a playroom or a sandbox, swingset, or picnic table in the yard, depending on your children’s ages and what they’re accustomed to.

In addition to this, make it as easy as you can for your children to make new friends; you might have a housewarming party and invite neighborhood kids, encourage your kids to invite new schoolmates over after school, and participate in local events at school, the public library, or a nearby community center. Let them join afterschool clubs, scout troops, the local band or choir, an amateur theater group – whatever interests them. You can also get yourself involved in things that affect your children’s lives: join the local carpool or the PTA, for instance. the sooner you all ease into daily routines, the more quickly you’ll all feel like you’re truly “home.”

CONCLUSIONS AND COOPERATION

If the entire family pitches in to handle preparations for the big move, your children will feel more like they are important members of the family. Let each of them have a part to play in learning about your new locale, preparing for the move, keeping ties to loved ones in the old locale, and settling into your new home. Your children’s attitudes should be improved, their excitement about the move heightened, and their fears diminished, if you make that extra effort and take that extra time to get them involved in every step of the process.

Good luck with your move, there”s no place like home – be it old or new !

Visit Barbara Freedman-DeVito’s website at http://www.childrensclothingbabyclothes.com for baby clothes, children’s clothing, matching family clothing, and gift items decorated with her colorful and amusing artwork for kids. Barbara is a professional storyteller, teacher and artist.