Parenting resources

Do you want your child to cooperate with you more?

Children are much more likely to cooperate with adults who like being with them and who let them know they are worthwhile. This builds a level of trust and a feeling of safety. Within that environment, they are more likely to respond by being helpful and pleasant.

Relationships are created step by step. Sometimes the smallest things – a word of encouragement or small act of appreciation – can tilt the balance and create a whole new energy in a relationship.

We all need to feel accepted and approved of.

If your children walk into the room and you look up and smile, glad to see them, they will receive the message:

“I am worthwhile.”

“I am welcome and appreciated.”

That unspoken message creates an atmosphere in your home that feels safe and inviting.

So start looking for things you appreciate about your child.

We humans tend to notice the things we focus on.

Let me give you an example. I never paid much attention to cars and trucks. If the one I had got me where I wanted to go, I was happy, so I didn’t notice what other people were driving.

A few years ago, I bought a Saturn sedan – turquoise. Very pretty, I thought. For the next several weeks, everywhere I went, I saw Saturns. And lots of them were turquoise. I hadn’t noticed before, because I wasn’t thinking about Saturns. But all of a sudden, there they were. Everywhere.

What changed?

My FOCUS.

My ATTENTION.

After buying a Saturn, I was thinking about Saturns, so I noticed the ones around me. It’s human nature. We notice what we look for.

Look for the things you want to see in your child.

Do you want him:

- to be smart?

- to take responsibility?

- to be capable?

- to be lovable?

Then look for those things in him.

If you look for things he is doing wrong, you will find them.

If you look for things he is doing right, you will find those as well.

If you look for things you can praise, they are there, but you have to notice.

Just as the Saturns were all around me, I didn’t see them until I was focused on them. The same is true of people.

Your children are doing things now that would please you, if you took the time to notice. And they are waiting to be acknowledged.

Stay in your heart.

When you are not in your heart, you are likely to be judging, condemning, looking for things that are wrong. And remember: whatever you look for, you will find.

So why not deliberately think about things that you feel good about? They are there, waiting for you to notice.

Make a list of the things you most enjoy or admire in your child.

- Think of qualities she has such as a sense of humor, a tender heart or

determination.

- Think about abilities he has, such as artistic, musical or athletic.

- Think about good times you have had together – memories that make you smile and feel your heart connection with your child.

Write them down.

Then, take time to sit quietly and think about those things.

Read over your list. Stay with it until the love wells up within you. When you get the FEELING of love, sit with it for a few minutes. Savor it…without an expectation that it will be reciprocated. At this point, this is all about YOU – your thoughts, feelings, actions.

Then take that feeling of love with you every time you interact with your child.

You may start to see results right away – changes in your child. If so, that‘s great. If not, give it time.

This process is about transforming something in yourself, rather than trying to change anything in your child.

Now, as you go through your day, not just today, but every day, look for things to appreciate in your child.

Then let her know.

Tell him you love him.

Tell her what you appreciate about her, be sure that it is totally sincere.

Do not let any day go by without acknowledging your child at least once. More is even better, (but don’t over do it, or it may seem phony).

Appreciation is very powerful.

Whenever you bring feelings of appreciation, rather than judgment, you are in a powerful position to invite your child to join you.

As you begin to notice the positives and express your appreciation, your child will respond, but do not expect or require a change in his behavior. That will happen naturally, in its own time. This is not about him – it’s about YOU.

As you are falling asleep tonight: be sure you are in your heart.

Use pictures, memories or thoughts about your child that invite the feeling of appreciation. Perhaps it will be a memory from today.

Fall asleep considering the things you appreciate about your child, and allow yourself to enjoy the feeling of love that wells up within you.

Then surely, you will have sweet dreams, knowing you just created a tomorrow filled with love.

Pat and Larry Downing have many years of experience counseling teenagers and their parents, conducting family mediations and leading workshops and support groups. They are co-authors of the e-Book, “Feel Good Parenting: How to Use the Power of Your Heart to Create an Extraordinary Relationship with Your Child.”

For more information on how to create relationships that are peaceful, harmonious, cooperative and joyful, you may go to go to http://www.feelgoodparenting.com to sign up for a free e-Course and a free e-zine for parents.

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Some people can concentrate on an assignment, to the exclusion of all distractions around them. My husband, who is an avid reader, can sit at a public place and read, no matter how much noise exists around him. Some people can play at a chess tournament, and focus on their game, no matter how many people are standing around them, watching the game. Others, however, cannot concentrate on their reading in a coffee house, because “too much is going on around them”, and some people’s chess game is affected by the noise around them or the people watching the game, and they make mistakes and “blunders”.

Being able to focus is a very beneficial skill. Schoolchildren have to be able to take a test, even if their classmates are not keeping quiet. They have to be able to focus on their homework, even if some other kids are playing outside, or a sibling is listening to the radio.

But beyond these practical reasons, a person’s ability to focus and concentrate, affects their level of performance. In order to solve a problem, you have to be able to focus, and if you can’t concentrate, you can’t find s solution. The ability to concentrate is important to anything we want to accomplish. When a person increases their concentration skills, they see a big improvement in everything they do. There is no doubt, then, that anybody can benefit from the strengthening of their ability to concentrate and focus.

Children in general have shorter attention spans than adults. It is impossible to expect a child to sit and concentrate for a long time, because it is natural for children to move around and be active. In my opinion, part of the reason is that children’s minds work extremely fast, and they have the need to learn new material constantly. When they feel that they have learned all they can from one activity, they will move to the next one, looking for more knowledge.

Often you can observe a very young child playing with a toy. The child will be “all into it”, fully focused on the toy. For how long? That varies, depending on many factors. But as long as they are playing, they are fully focused. Watch children when they are listening to a story, they are listening intently, and are all captured by the story.

There are some exercises, or games, that you can play with your child, that will increase his ability to concentrate and focus. You can play the games suggested here, or you can invent your own games around these exercises, depending on your individual child, their age and their interest. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have your child close his eyes, and imagine a triangle. Then have him draw the triangle, with his eyes closed, on a piece of paper, slowly, and accurately. Then have him do it again, and watch if there is any improvement in the triangle he has drawn. The slower he does it, the better. It is practically impossible to perform this task, without concentrating and focusing on it, and the slower the task is performed, the longer the intense focus. If you want, you can have a competition, you can do it with your child, and the one who finished later is the winner, or the one who has a better triangle, wins. You can organize a group of kids to compete with each other. (When your child is drawing perfect triangles, you

can advance to more complicated figures, a square, a Star of David, a star… whatever figure you can think of.)

2. This is a very interesting game, that will entertain, surprise and benefit all participants. Have your child hold his arm out. With closed eyes, tell your child to start feeling an intense heat on the palm of his hand, as if he is holding a hot potato. Focus on it for a few minutes, when it starts to feel uncomfortable (too hot), have him stop and shake his hand.

3. Have your child practice reading in different environments. Take him to the library, have him read there, take him to a fast food restaurant, and have him read there. If your child doesn’t read yet – read a story to him. That also takes concentration! (I don’t recommend reading in the car, some people get motion sick when they read in the car.) Any environment that you can think of is a good place to practice concentration. The Russian chess players practice playing in noisy places. They play in the park, coffee houses, wherever they can!

4. When you are visiting the park, or walk on the beach, have your child listen to the sounds of nature and life. The sound of the waves, or the sound of the birds and other animals in the park. Have him practice listening to the sounds intently for the longest time possible, and try to increase from there. If you have a recording of nature sounds, (there are many CD’s that have the sound of water and other sounds of nature) your child can do that at home, listening to a CD. You can play the “quiet game”, yourself and the child (or a group of children) listening to the sounds of nature CD. The last sitting is the winner.

5. The finger game. Have your child hold his hand out, and bend each finger very slowly, focusing only on that finger. When all fingers are bent, start straightening the fingers one at a time, very slowly. You can play this game with a toddler or a baby, too!

6. The breathing game. Have your child breath in very slowly, counting to ten, paying attention only to his breathing. Then have him exhale as slowly as he can.

7. Have a competition, who can gaze at an object the longest. You can put an object at the center of the room, and have your child and yourself, or a group of children, gaze at the object. The person who can stay with this assignment the longest without taking their eyes off the subject is the winner.

If you participate in these games with your child, you will notice an improvement in your ability to concentrate, too!Take some time to do these activities with your child, and observe the results! Please write to me at esther@all-gifted-children.com, to tell me about the results you are observing.

For the last 26 years, Esther Andrews has studied, researched and practiced the ways to develop a child’s intelligence. She also served as the principal of the School for Gifted Education. As a result of this experience, she developed her own method and philosophy, that proved to be extremely successful with her own 2 highly gifted children. In her web site, http://www.all-gifted-children.com, she helps parents develop their child’s genius, and provide for their kids the opportunity to achieve their maximum potential.

As with everything, names go through cycles of change with passing generations. I also tend to think that names have improved immensely since the first Elmas, Minervas, Bufords, and Alfreds graced the baby’s room wearing appropriate nametags on their cribs.

A country of tradition, we still hold tightly to such commoners as Becky, Wendy, Mike and Bill. And being the trendsetters of a diverse time, we also like originality. Girls are acquiring sophistication with names such as Breanna and Kyla while boys are being called Dusty and Cameron, cute yet charming. I do like these names. I even think that the not-so-unique ones are fine. These names have humility and, most importantly, can be spoken without cringing, gagging, or regurgitating. When was the last time you could actually say “Bunny” and control the ruffling of your nose and the higher level of intonation in your voice? (Not to mention avoiding the picture of this girl nibbling on a very orange carrot.) I put her into a category I like to call the ‘itty bitty Bunny and Kitty committee.’

A girl of this stature serves your ex-boyfriend mixed drinks at the local dive bar and leaves the tip on the table because somebody accidentally left it there. She likes to think deeply when scuba diving

and yells, “run to second base,” when a tight end gets the football. This type always has straight, white teeth and never gets fired from her cocktail jobs. She’s such an asset. I have my doubts about the advantages being endless though….I mean, how many lawyers, nurses, or even receptionists do you know named “Kitty?”

The next category is sweetly named the ‘Dandy Candy-land committee.’ The sound of these names are enough for a life-time supply of insulin shots and give one a compelling urge to stock-up on countless tubes of toothpaste. For instance, Carmel and Candy….even a salt addict would get cheek pangs simply by the sound. Maybe, just maybe, I am a little prejudiced because my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is named Candy. Before I know her name, I asked him what it was and he told me. I only had to ask him once….the toothache and acne breakout brings back terrible memories.

Yes, I know, you’re wondering if Kitty and Candy work together serving my ex-boyfriend mixed drinks. Not only do they work together, they are also very close. Last week, Carmel overheard Candy telling Kitty, “You’re the best friend I’ve had since my cat, Mufkins, died.”

About The Author

Owner www.spiritwhole.com, graduate University of Washington, poet, animal lover.

info@thespiritwhole.com

What a dreamer I am when thinking about parenthood. Most of the time, I do this without knowing to whom my heart will belong and who will share that sacred responsibility. Even though, I am connected with the billions of souls that have always faced the stars at night to decide on what would be the perfect name for our not-yet-conceived little angels

“If is a boy… I’ll name him…; or if is a girl… I’ll name her…” And yes, it is far more important to ask the spirits for the baby to come healthy, but at least our children should have the right to know when people outside the family are referring to them.

Although I’ve heard some funny names, I am not in a position to say that any parent wasn’t serious enough. On the contrary, I prefer to forward some ideas to socially bless your angels forever.

Start with the stars

Astrology gives each newborn the beginning and end dates of the twelve Sun signs. Originally referred to as Star Sign, a Sun Sign represents the Zodiac Sign that the Sun is in at the time of birth. The Sun rules willpower and ego, that is: who you are and what you are about.

Now if you are gratefully expecting – and men also are part of this experience -, then you may start reading the birth chart with the Eighth House, where conception begins. During the nine months of pregnancy, the cycle travels from the beginning of the Eighth House to the ascendant, which represents the moment of birth, the baby’s first breath. Using this method, the First House represents babyhood, the next house represents childhood, the next one is the teen years, and so on.

Personality

Many elements may form our children’s personality, from our way of raising them to the experiences that they’ll have to spirituality itself. But before you ask why little Prudence is picky; why Casey doesn’t allow brothers to play with him; or why Alma ‘s apprenticeship takes too much, let me remind you that astrology plays a fundamental role here. For instance, the Zodiac Sun Sign calendar brings enlightenment even to the most uninformed mind. After reading it, there is a brief description on each Sun Sign and their influence on our baby’s behavior.

These are the dates that correspond to the Sun Sign for 2005. Realize that the dates can vary from year to year.

March 21 – April 19 Aries April 20 – May 20 TaurusMay 21 – June 21 GeminiJune 22 – July 22 CancerJuly 23 – August 22 LeoAugust 23 – September 22 VirgoSeptember 23 – October 22 LibraOctober 23 – November 21 ScorpioNovember 22 – December 21 SagittariusDecember 22 – January 19 CapricornJanuary 20 – February 18 AquariusFebruary 19 – March 20 Pisces 

Aries : Spirits in the sky give this Fire Sign baby so much energy that parents must channel it with lot of love. Also, the Aries baby can be quite independent but enjoys interacting with others.

Taurus : Playthings will be very important to this Earth Sign baby because it rules the second house (possessions), so parents should try to make him/her comfortable but grounded at the same time.

Gemini : Will be curious, creative, the speaker of groups, but loving parents need to stimulate this Air Sign baby for

him/her to be happy, as their character is mutable.

Cancer : This Water Sign baby is very creative but also is all about feelings. He/she needs to feel protected and will easily pick up any bad vibes in the household.

Leo : A totally determined force, this Fire Sign baby will be a leader. Parents will get loads of fun, but less of sleep in the meantime.

Virgo : This Earth Sign tot doesn’t require a lot to be happy. It’s a perfectionist and happy to help others. Although it has a mutable character, it’s a pretty good kid.

Libra : Here could be the next lawyer or judge. This Air Sing baby displays its social and diplomat qualities when surrounded in groups.

Scorpio : This is quite the manipulative little Water Sign tot, is also a bit mysterious, making it hard to figure out what’s wrong when the crying starts.

Sagittarius : Independent and free-spirited, this Fire Sign baby explores everything, whether it’s a new toy or a new friend. Parents, be ready to have your house full of little friends.

Capricorn : Rule by the Earth Sign, this tot will be creative and determined. They also understand things better as they get older and appreciate the merits of a reward system.

Aquarius : The companionship of friends and others will be quite important to this Air Sign baby, even if they don’t know how to demonstrate it. For that reason, this is a pattern of behavior that should be encouraged.

Pisces : C hangeable in character, this Water Sign baby is a dreamer by nature and it benefits from an added dose of attention, whether it comes from parents or sibs.

New Age Baby Names

I am happy to say that there are some New Age books and New Age sites with more than 20,000 names and combination of names for people to choose the way they want to bless their angels. Those names are derived from ancient cultures such as Native American, Gaelic, Anglicized, Swahili, Arabic, Native Hawaiian, Old Welch and Middle English. And there are different forms of building an original one through anagrams, telescoping, respelling and with the usage of numerology.

Well, since I can’t give you the thousands of names, I hope you like these Celtics spirited names for both boys and girls:

Boys : Adair, Arthur, Blair, Blowen, Cameron, Darcy, Ewan, Ferris, Floyd, Gildas, Gwynham, Herne, Hoel, Keene, Kilian, Leigh, Lloyd, Maddox, Murdoch, Nelson, Nolan, Oskar, Owyn, Phelan, Quin, Rivalin, Roy, Sheridan, Sidwell, Tehague, Thrahern, Uchdryd, Vaughn, Wynne, and York.

Girls : Aine, Arleta, Branwen, Bricta, Cara, Cordelia, Dana, Donella, Ethne, Erina, Fenella, Fiona, Ginessa, Gwynith, Ione, Isolda, Jennifer, Joyce, Keelia, Leslie, Lyonesse, Mavel, Morrigan, Neala, Olwyn, Oriana, Regan, Rowena, Ula, Una, Venetia, Wynnie, Yseult, and Zinerva.

Alma De la Cruz, a staff mystic employed by http://www.psychicrealm.com, has a profound personal history where she has unabashedly delved deep into the heart of occult mysteries for an extensive period of her life. Her name literally means “Soul of the Cross” in Spanish. Currently she is working publishing a manuscript that delves into the mysteries of Hispanic new age beliefs incorporating old insights with new spiritual methodologies.

Check out her bi weekly metaphysical column: http://www.newagenotebook.com where she takes a new twist, incorporating Latin shamanistic philosophies with leading edge occult beliefs.

Start some gardening traditions with your kids. Give them their own garden patch and a spot to dig. Children love getting their hands dirty and watching things grow.

Be sure to buy good quality, child sized gardening tools. Plastic toy versions just won’t hold up to the task. You will also need children’s gloves and a watering can.

Mark off the garden area and turn the soil. Kids can help break up any lumps with their hands. Work in some organic compost.

Choose seeds that will grow quickly. Small children get impatient if their plants take too long to sprout. Radishes, Snapdragons, Cosmos, and Sunflowers will all germinate quickly. Carrots and strawberries are also easy to grow– and yummy to eat.

Large seeds like beans and Morning Glories are easy for small fingers to push into the ground. You can start your seeds indoors in an eggshell carton. When the seedlings are an inch high, tear off the egg carton, and leaving the soil intact, transplant the seedlings outside.

Or, try placing beans on a wet paper towel inside a zip top bag. Tape the bag to a sunny window and wait for the seeds to germinate. I can remember, as a child, checking my beans every morning before school. The first shoots appeared to my delight and we carefully transplanted the beans outdoors.

Make garden markers by painting small rocks. This will help kids keep track of their selections.

Make it fun! Grow a sunflower house by planting the sunflowers in a circle with a space in the middle big enough for your kids to hide. Be sure to leave room

for a door.

Grow a spaghetti garden. Plant herbs such as basil, oregano, rosemary, and parsley. My kids love to snip fresh herbs. They stuff their pockets full of scented “spaghetti” herbs.

Share your garden with butterflies and hummingbirds. Zinnias, Verbena, and Cosmos are butterfly favorites. Hummingbirds love the nectar from Nasturtium and Lantana, and Hollyhocks.

Children love to pick up bugs and worms. Poke holes in the top of an old jar. Add some dirt and a few, new found specimens. Be sure to release the critters back into nature after a few hours.

Arm your kids with cameras to take photos throughout the summer. They will enjoy remembering the fruits of their labor. And, the pictures will help your budding gardener plan for next year.

Happy planting. And, don’t forget to pick a few bouquets for mom.

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About the Author: Rondi Hillstrom Davis is the co-author of the award-winning book Together: Creating Family Traditions. To check out her website that’s jam packed with family ideas, visit http://www.togetherparenting.com

“Not another meeting!”

That tends to be the reaction from many parents when they hear the M word mentioned. Parents tend to associate meetings with the workplace rather than families. Even at work, meetings tend to be tolerated rather than keenly anticipated.

My research and my anecdotal evidence suggest that families that have a process to share decisions and to resolve conflict have more cooperative kids and less open sibling disputes. To be truthful, I stopped talking about family meetings in my presentations some years ago as people’s eyes tended to glaze over when I mentioned the M word.

But I am now ‘talking up’ the concept as many parents I have worked with in the past have remarked how useful they were in turning their families around from Me-centred to We-centred groups.

Family meetings are a useful way of unifying a family and developing a shared approach to its organization. They are based on the management principle that children like a say in how their family operates and that they are more likely to stick to rules and decisions that they have had a say in making rather than those imposed from above. In many ways, this is stating the bleeding obvious but we need a process to make this happen. That is where family meetings come in.

Following are ten basic keys for conducting family meetings:

1. They must be regular. Weekly or fortnightly meetings are ideal. If a parent calls a meeting when he or she wants then meetings just become a vehicle for mum or dad to get their point across rather than a means for children to participate in family-life.

2. Start when at least one child is five years of age. Children need the verbal and cognitive skills to participate. This varies but maybe around five years of age seems to be a good age to start.

3. Have an agenda. All good meetings need a chairperson and an agenda. Meetings are usually for one or more of four purposes:

a) Plan for family fun

b) Allocation of chores

c) Resolving conflicts between people

d) Discussion of family issues, procedures and routines. Parents need to be the initial chairperson but share the job around as children become more skilled.

4. Avoid overloading the agenda.

You don’t have to slavishly work through all these areas. Two or three items may be enough and avoid the meeting from becoming a whinge session.

5. Have a talk sock. Have an object such as a sock or doll that the children must hold if they are going to speak, which teaches them how to take turns. The speaker, whether adult or child, must be holding the special talk sock.

6. Start each meeting with encouragement. Parents can model this initially by saying things like, “Thanks Marta for cleaning your toys away after playing with them this week. It was great have the family room so clean.” This helps set a positive tone and teaches kids how to encourage.

7. Finish with a pleasant activity. A concluding game or a story will help reinforce a meeting as an event to anticipate.

8. They must be real. While meetings should be fun they are not a game you play with kids. You must be able to live with decisions that are made so you must be realistic about what is discussed and decided upon.

9. Short and sharp, not long and dull. Don’t allow them to become bogged down. Keep moving them along. I know some meetings that have only gone for eight or nine minutes, but that’s fine if objectives were met.

10. It is the process that is important. Sometimes meetings break down and decisions aren’t made as they have descended into chaos. That happens but don’t abandon the concept if nothing concrete comes of a meeting or two. It is the process of meeting and talking rather than the outcomes that are important.

Regular family meetings are a powerful means of improving relationships and building cooperation between parents and children. They provide the means for children to share and accept responsibility, participate fully in family-life and work cooperatively for the benefit of the group – their family.

Michael Grose http://www.parentingideas.com.au

Michael Grose is Australia’s leading parent educator. The author of six books for parents, Michael gives over 100 presentations a year to parents in the corporate, community and education sectors. His website http://www.parentingideas.com.au is full of fresh ideas to help parents raise happy kids and resilient teenagers.

1. Encourage Questions.

Don’t answer every question, instead ask what do they think. Asking questions stimulates conversation between you and your child.

2. Don’t Criticize.

Criticism invites low self-esteem. Children feel that they have failed or disappointed their parents when they are criticized. Find alternate ways of correcting the problem. A child will likely shut down communication if they feel that their parents are not supportive.

3. Respect Your Child’s Opinions.

Your child is not an extension of you. Although it is difficult to accept at times, it is normal and healthy for your child to have their own opinion. Children who are confident in expressing their opinions are less likely to join gangs or succumb to peer pressure.

4. Teach Your Child To Embrace Diversity.

Encourage your child to learn about different cultures and ethnicities. A well informed child can will understand and respect other people’s values.

5. Teach Your Child To Set Personal Boundaries.

Children need to have their personal space respected in order for them to respect other people’s personal space. Help your child to establish their boundaries and insist that he/she enforce them with their peers.

6. Establish A Nurturing Environment.

Children thrive in environments in which they know they are loved and respected. Remind them every day that you love them and support them.

7. Understand

Your Child’s Thinking Process.

In order for you to be an advocate for your child in school, you must know and understand how your child learns. Is he/she creative, logical, musical, spatial, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic? Know your child’s capabilities and accept their creativity.

8. Let Them Think For Themsleves.

Encourage independent thinking. Let your child decide (within reason) what is appropriate for them. Give them enough room to make decisions, but also be there in case their plans don’t work out.

9. Teach Them Stress Management Skills.

Help your child to effectively deal with stress. Try not to contribute to their stress with demands and unrealistic expectations. Make learning fun!

10. Teach Your Child To Trust His/Her Instincts.

In order for children to be successful in life, they must learn how to trust their decisions. Your child needs to be confident in trusting his/her instincts and feelings. Children who trust themselves are less likely to participate in unhealthy behaviors.

About The Author

Marie Magdala Roker is a Family Coach and Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor. She is completing her Masters in Health Education at Columbia University’s Teachers College. She helps parents to reclaim their lives and students to unlock their academic potential. She is committed to helping build healthy families, one family member at a time.

mroker@livelearnempower.com