Parenting resources

“Now don’t you go getting any ideas, Harold.”

“Don’t you get any ideas either, Terry.”

“Don’t you two get any ideas.”

The young mother’s words to her small children echoed in my head for several days. While I realized she was probably warning them to not do something against her wishes or something that could harm them, I can’t help but wonder about the effects that a situation like that, heard over and over for a period of years, will have on their lives and their ability to realize their potential.

Flash forward – It’s 20 years later and now little Howard and Terry are all grown up, sitting in a conference room where they both work as marketing managers, having graduated at the top of their classes in college.

The CEO is pacing back and forth saying, “Okay gang, what we need now, if we want to save this company, are some really good ideas.” As their bosses words trail off, Howard and Terry are jolted back in time to that day at the Eagle Diner. All they can hear is their mother’s voice telling them not to get any ideas. The conflict that this is causing has blocked their creative abilities. The contribution they might have made has been stifled by a poor choice of phrasing some 20 years ago.

I know this sounds a bit extreme but if you stop and think about it, this happens all the time. We are constantly being conditioned by the messages we hear, especially in our formative years.

We use phrases like “don’t get smart” and then wonder why children are doing poorly in

school. There is a connection. Whatever is repeated, over and over, will be absorbed into the sub­conscious mind of the person listening, in this case your children. McDonalds knows this, as does every other successful advertiser.

In my seminars I ask people to complete this phrase. Winston tastes good like a ____. Even audience members in their 20′s can complete this advertising slogan, though it hasn’t been used for more than 20 years.The words you choose and the phrases you use repeatedly will have a lasting impact on your children. Why not choose words that will help them realize their potential as unique, creative, bright, loving, powerful and successful human beings?

Imagine what could happen if you made a habit of using positive, empowering, self-esteem building messages every day? Imagine all your children could become!

Decide right now to create some positive messages you can implant in the young minds of your children. Make a daily habit of using positive messages when speaking to your children.

For example, you might say, “You know (childs name), every day you’re getting better and better in every way.” (This is a take off on a phrase from Claude Bristol’s classic self help book, The Magic of Believing).

© 2004 Jim Donovan — PO Box 1147, Buckingham, PA 18912 — (215) 794-3826

Jim Donovan is the author of “Handbook to a Happier Life, a motivational speaker and coach. For a no cost bonus product & more, visit http://www.JimDonovan.com

If you had all the information and tools you needed to live your dream life, would you use them? Yes?Click here ==> http://www.jimdonovan.com/ebookoffer.html

My kids ask me all the time to take them to playgrounds or any other public place. I can’t help to think that the risk involved in this is greater than we are often aware of. I have four kids, which makes the task of keeping track of everyone very stressful. To me, taking my children to a public place is not “a walk in the park” anymore. Actually, I feel that I am a little traumatized. My 8 year old son, (a very active little guy), has been lost 3 times in public places. Once in a huge department store at the age of 3, another time in a natural park where he took off in his bicycle by himself at the age of 4 and the latest time in a crowded public fair at the age of 5. Fortunately he has always been found save and sound.

Small children are very unpredictable. Their logic is very different from ours. They tend to forget the importance of staying close to you and they get distracted very easily.

How many times have you taken your kids to a playground and suddenly you don’t see them anymore, you start looking for them and your heart starts pounding. Luckily you finally see them playing away unaware of the panic attack you just had. It all happens in seconds but it seems like an eternity until you finally see your precious children again. But for how many parents this is not the case? How many of them never find their child who was just beside them a minute ago? Who had just been seen playing in the playground a second ago?

What can we do as parents to prevent such a tragedy from happening to our family? The best thing we can do is to be prepared and to take certain simple precautions and do our best to prevent this terrible thing from happening.

Each and every time you go to a public place with small children take these 10 tips in consideration:

1. Remind them of the importance of staying close to you and always to inform you to where they are going. This may sound very simple but the best way not to loose your children is to have them close to you at all times.

2. Teach them the importance of keeping a safe distance with you. If they cannot see you, they are not in a safe distance anymore.

3. Choose a meeting place that you know they can remember in case they do get lost. If the children are too small, it might be a better idea to tell them to stay in the place where they realized they were lost. Most of the time you are not too far away from them. But if they start looking for you, it makes it a lot more difficult to find them.

4. If you are in a mall or a department store, identify the staff’s uniform and security guard’s uniform with your children. Ask them to look for them if they happen to feel lost.

5. Teach them not to talk to strangers. It is unfortunate that we need to teach our children to avoid talking to strangers, but the truth is, with today’s world, it’s not safe anymore to let your children talk freely to a stranger.

6. If your children are old enough to memorize phone numbers, go through the basic family information such as the home phone number, your cell phone number and your address. Also, give them some change in case they need to call you from a pay phone.

7. Memorize the clothing they are wearing. If it makes it easier for you,

put on similar colours in all of your children. During a panic attack you feel confused enough to even forget what your child is wearing.

8. Place a card in one of their pockets with all of the basic information: Your name, your child’s name, phone number, cell phone numbers and address. Even if the child is able to memorize this information he/she will panic as well and they could forget it all. Do not place this information in a visible spot as an abductor could take advantage of this to create a familiar atmosphere calling the child by his own name. Also it’s important to avoid any piece of clothing containing your child’s name.

9. Choose books from the library that teach kids why it’s so important not to talk to strangers and after you have finished reading, take some time to discuss the content with your children. You could ask them questions to make sure they understand the message. You can also play the “what if” game and let them figure out what to do in a certain imaginary dangerous situation.

10. Last but not least, talk to them about the dangers that a small child has these days. Unfortunately, we have to give our children some tools to defend themselves in the case of an attempt of abduction. They should know what to do so that they can act quickly. They should not converse with any stranger. If the stranger insists in talking with them, they should leave immediately and ignore the person. They should not volunteer to give any information or directions to a stranger. They should also know about the tricks abductors use to attract a child. They could use a cute puppy, or ask them to find a lost puppy. They could use delicious candy or attracting toys. They could appear to be very friendly or they could even look like adorable grandmothers.

During the first time my son got lost in the department store, I kept thinking of all the things we should have done to prevent this from happening. When he was finally found I thought this would be the first and the last time this would ever happen. I was so frighten by the idea of loosing my child again that I did very little to prepare him for a similar incident. When it happened the second time, I realized the importance of having a plan in place. I also realized that fear doesn’t take you anywhere. You need to act before it’s too late. Once your child is lost, he is on his own. If he hasn’t been prepared to face this situation, the only hope you will have is to trust in his own ability to find you. Nothing can guarantee that our children won’t get lost. But if at least your child has a way to help himself when you cannot help him. This could pretty well safe his life.

My name is Mia Dominguez. This is my first article. I have always been interested in writing but have never gone “public” with anything until today. I wrote this particular article in the hope that my experience can help other parents in keeping our children safe in today’s world. I hope many of you will find it useful. I strongly believe that keeping a family together is one of the most important things in life and in today’s society. God, my dear husband and my 4 children are my highest inspirations.

My husband and I work together from home on different internet projects. You can go to our eBay CD store at http://stores.ebay.com/Alberto2000Colour

Also you can check our web page at http://detectiverecords.com

God Bless.

Even the youngest members of the family can help out around the house

There’s a pattern in American households that’s been emerging and it’s harmful for kids. Kids have essentially gone from being contributors to the household, to being waited on hand and foot. Too many moms see household duties as being outside the realm of their child’s responsibilities – and their ability. It’s not only sad, it’s also untrue.

In fact, if kids are fully capable of contributing to the mess of a house, why can’t they be expected to contribute to its cleaning? The problem rests with moms. As mothers we often look at housework as the old saw “if you want it done right, you’ll have to do it yourself.” But, that’s defeating for everybody.

Kids quickly learn that the “auto-mom” will handle all the messes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and other household jobs if they can prove their incompetence. And Moms get something out of “being the only one” who cleans the toilet right, or folds the towels like they do in department stores. But this has to stop. Otherwise, trying to keep home and hearth together will be a 24-hour-a-day job and we’ll end up with children who’ll leave the home one day and not have the vaguest clue about how to handle household duties.

Have the expectation that kids will do the jobs you’ve assigned themOne of the things that can undermine the process of kids helping out around the house is a parent’s expectation that they won’t do it. Expect that they will do the jobs, check on their progress, and assign appropriate rewards and consequences to the job, and it’s amazing how well kids will perform.

Parents have to realign their minds that kids are fully capable — and often willing — to participate in the running of the household and the housekeeping that goes with it. As an example, if you asked your son to take out the trash before dinner, remove the videogame privilege until it’s done.

Yes, it is easier to just do it ourselves, but that’s not practical and it sets a bad example, showing kids that in the real world, there’s

someone there to clean up after you. As anyone will tell you, the real world demands that you pick up after yourself. However, not all kids are ready for every household task.

Training kids to clean properly also relies on giving them age-appropriate jobs around the house — and not expecting perfection. That doesn’t mean they should be allowed to do a sloppy job, either.

As the Cleaning Editor of BellaOnline, I dig cleaning. That’s why I’m the editor of that site. But, I don’t expect my kids to have the same standards that I do. But, I expect them to be able to do an acceptable job appropriate to their age and abilities. When my kids do a poor job, I simply tell them the shirt needs to be refolded, for example, and have them correct the situation to the best of their abilities.

The whole family pitches in when we need to go somewhere and have to clean in a hurry or when we need to do a thorough cleaning. Having kids clean the house teaches them responsibility, appreciation and care for their surroundings, and self-pride in a job well done. That’s something every child should experience for themselves.

Housekeeping Chores and Duties for Children

Ages 3 to 5

* Help straighten a room

* Help make their bed

* Bring items from one room to another

* Help set or set the table

* Help clear or clear the table

* Bring towels to the laundry

* Swiffer

* Gather trash

Ages 6 to 10

* Sweep

* Make their bed every day

* Do dishes

* Straighten and pick up

* Load/unload dishwasher

* Vacuum

* Fold & put away laundry

* Dust

* Clean baseboards window sills

* Take out trash

Ages 11 to Until they’re out of the house

* Sweep, Vacuum

* Make their bed every day

* Straighten and pick up

* Operate Washer/Dryer; do laundry

* Clean bathrooms

* Dust

* Clean windows

* Do dishes/load and unload dishwasher

Kathryn Weber is the publisher of the Red Lotus Letter feng shui e-zine and is dedicated to helping her readers develop successful, prosperous, and supportive environments with feng shui. To subscribe, logon to www.redlotusletter.com and receive this special report Fr*ee “16 Feng Shui Secrets for Greater Prosperity.”

kweber@redlotusconsulting.com

The Law of Aleady

If this is the first time you have spoken wtih your child’s teacher this year, well…shame on you. You really need to have done this already.

The good news is you can start over again next year with the next teacher.

The Law of Not My Kid

One of the most difficult type of parents teachers have to deal with is the Not My Kid parent. An NMK parent is the kind who believes their child could do not wrong and any problem is always the fault of someone else.

A couple of years ago we had to talk to the elementary principal of my son’s school about a bullying issue. My wife is a school teacher and I’m a family therapist. The poor principal must have thought she was about to deal with the ultimate set of NMK parents. When I opened the meeting by saying we were not NMK parnets and wanted to know and deal with our son’s part in all this, huge relief swept across her face.

The point is this – the quickest way to

get a teacher on your side is to say and demonstrate the you are not NMK parents.

The Law of Listening

Stephen Covey said it the best:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Listen to what the teacher has to say. A teacher sees your child five days a week in situations that you do not get to see.There is much to learn when you pay attention.

The Law of a Team

When you handle these kind of converstations, the mindset to have is that we are on the same team, working on what is best for this particular child.

The Law of Accountability

At the same time, as parents it is our responsibility to hold the teacher accountable if they are not doing their job. If it does not get resolved at this level, you can always go higher.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.

Not Letting Them Think.

We all implicitly know that anything questioning the process of cognition itself will be met with massive irritation, making us want to respond with “Don’t question my capacity to think.” Their moronic reasoning to show how logic is derived, provokes the thought, “Don’t try to tell me how to think.” Forcing their opinions down your throat earns the response, “Don’t tell me what to think.” Some parents show no respect for personal boundaries long after childhood, straightening your clothes, your hair, invading your privacy—incessantly buzzing around you like a mosquito. This belittlement implies incompetent dependency—a fundamental insult to Man or animal—any way you slice it. These actions tick everyone off, at any stage in life.

Their children are a test bed for ill technology—the grand experiment—saying “In this child, the great dream will be made real,” and they hold them to their own irrational standard of how they wish life to be. They experiment with violence, as if forcing kids to practice the senseless can make it succeed, and then take aggression out on them when it fails. They trounce on their children’s right to life by their gift of life. They punish them for having preferences. They force them into unchosen activities, pushing them into unnecessary competition in areas they care or don’t care for, straining kid’s friendships and taking the joy out of everything. Eventually their children accept patterns of repression, whose unchosen and unhappy situations follows them into adulthood.

Breaking life down into philosophic essentials, the motives that drive ideas and actions either go on one side—the side of life, or on the other—the side of death. Maybe five percent of parents I have known had a conscious understanding of intellectual essentials and could convey them effectively to children. Thinking is exactly what they don’t know how to explain or train. Most wouldn’t want to harm children if they knew better, but often they don’t and at some point they made the choice not to know. That is their guilt. The crucial point is that their actions affect the child positively or negatively according to existential cause and effect, regardless of their claimed intentions. So what do they do? They try to live their lives for them. They buzz in their face

like an insect and never leave them alone, saying “Why do you have to do it my way? Because, that’s why. Do you want to be grounded? Don’t question me.” They offer no chain, make no attempt to teach one and penalize children for reasoning through what doesn’t make sense to them. Riddled with cognitive errors and brimming with inexperience, they’ll refuse to spank their child as a moral stand when pleasure and pain are the first rudimentary connections a child can make, and their children never learn to respect social boundaries. Instead they’ll attempt to explain the ramifications of being good or bad when it’s still well outside their cognitive range. Some hit unjustly, choosing violence as the constant solution instead of responsibly engaging a child ready for more complex understandings. A smothering parent will choose their children’s diet, their interests, their friends, their schedule, their career, their mate, you name it, claiming to care. They will be hated, and as the children grow, both will make each other miserable. When the kids leave, don’t expect to see them for a long, long time.

There is no justification for our every action being checked by another. Alone, we can relax. We can try new things, test and entertain conclusions with no need for immediate validation. There are no disagreements to have and no justifications to clear with ourselves, only dysfunctions to identify and inefficiencies to overcome. Few things are more valuable than a safely executed mistake. There are questions in life that need not be answered on the spot. Experience with the cognitive process itself will provide the completed picture; kids must only remain free to exercise it. Parental interference is a confession that they don’t understand the cognitive process themselves, and don’t trust their children to use it either. It is inappropriate to attempt to raise another consciousness until you have mastered your own.

Copyright 2005 Ronald E Springer

Ronald E. Springer is the Author/Philosopher of Moral Armor, the world’s first fully-integrated moral philosophy based on the nature of Man. Featured on The Mitch Albom Show, NBC and FOX News radio affiliates, Mr. Springer is available for interviews, speaking engagements, philosophy workshops and seminars. Please contact RonaldESpringer@MoralArmor.com or visit http://www.MoralArmor.com for details.

My grandson started kindergarten this week. It’s always tough when a distant dream becomes a frightening reality. The adjustment has been difficult. The first day was long and filled with anxiety. There was great apprehension, much fear and worrying, and a whole lot of sobbing . . . but I survived. The second day was a little easier for me; but my son, who is a stay-at-home dad, was a nervous wreck.

We hate to see our little sweetie grow up and go out into the big, bad world ALL ALONE. Why do kids begin school at such a tender age, anyway? Five is so young. They should wait until at least twelve. I see these little cherubs walking to school and I wonder, “How can their mothers let them outside alone?”

I’m a little overprotective, I guess. I don’t understand why grandma can’t ride the bus with him and sit next to him in school, for the first month at least. No one can protect my sweet potato like his she-bear grammie. Who will kiss his boo-boos if he falls down? Who will yell at the naughty kids who teach him bad words? Who will threaten the bullies who pick on him? Who will see that the teacher gives him the extra special attention that he deserves?

That first day, my imagination was enough to fuel my worries, but then I learned that Cobi had been beat up during recess! This is one of the worst things a grandmother can hear. (I had hoped that my biggest shock the first week of school would be hearing that he’d called the teacher a doo-doo head or a stinky

face.) I should have had the foresight to pay off the playground monitor so she’d watch out for him.

It seems that my brave little man tried to rescue a first grade girl who was beingharassed by an older boy. When Cobi defended her, the bigger boy knocked him down and gave him a bloody nose. Of course, grandma wanted to go to school and give that bully what for, visit his parents, and call the principal; but my grandson assured me that it wasn’t a big deal. In fact, he seemed unbothered by the entire incident.

When I asked what happened after the boy punched him, Cobi casually explained that he hadn’t hit back because he “didn’t want to hurt the big kid.” Grandma couldn’t help but smile at that.

If you’re a parent or grandparent, you probably feel as I do . . . it’s harder to deal with adversities affecting our kids than it is facing things that hurt us personally. Don’t you wish we could just wrap them in bubble wrap to protect them when they’re away from us?

Cobi is speeding toward adulthood faster than a computer virus spreads across the web. He recently took the training wheels off his bike. He’s growing up! Before I know it, he’ll be driving the car, having children of his own, and visiting me in the old fogies’ home. (At least I hope he’ll visit.)

I hope that time won’t come too soon. There are too many fun things we need to do together before that happens. I plan to savor every one of them.

Marsha Jordan

Author of “Hugs, Hope, and Peanut Butter”

hugsandhope@gmail.com

www.hugsandhope.org

Well, what else can be as exciting for proud parents-to-be than the first glimpse of their bundle of joy? Shopping for baby of course. Here is some help to start your baby-shopping adventure.

Buy a car safety seat. It’s the law!

You need to buy an approved car safety seat before your baby arrives. Your precious newborn has to be safe and cozy on his first car ride from the hospital to home. Some hospitals insist on you purchasing a car seat before they let you take baby home.

Shop for a soft-padded, rear-facing infant car seat to hold him snug and secure and support his back and neck. You can also go in for a lightweight one that can double up as a carrier or a rocker.

Buy an uncomplicated system with a permanent base in which the seat effortlessly snaps in and out, so that you don’t have to refer to the manual every time you use it. If you are not confident about safely installing one, seek professional help.

Baby’s Layette

Babies are not always born on days with the best weather. Be prepared with a basic layette for any kind of weather. Thankfully, babies cannot recognize designer wear, so it is easy to stick to your budget.

Opt for soft, absorbent clothes that can be machine-washed and dried. For cold winter months, buy long sleeve undershirts, stretchies, sweaters and pajamas with built in feet. Stock a few mittens, socks, warm woolen blankets and snug hats for outings. Buy a soft woolen sleeper to keep baby warm and cozy at bedtime.

For the summer months, you need short sleeved or sleeveless suits, hats or bonnets

to protect baby from the sun and light cotton blankets.

There’s more to buy

The list includes a baby crib and mattress, crib sheets, nappies/ disposable diapers, baby wipes, a baby bathtub, mild bath soap, soft towels, a sling to carry your baby and a few toys. Choose the right toys for your newborn so that they do what they are meant to- stimulate her and provide entertainment.

Tips for happy shopping

Start shopping for baby 2-3 months before you are due or earlier if you anticipate bed rest in late pregnancy. If this is your first baby, shop with a close friend or relative for helpful advice.

Dads-to-be can get involved in shopping for baby to get a feel of their impending responsibilities. A better and less tiring option is to split the list, especially if you always disagree with each other’s taste.Go by your list, not the store’s. A designer wardrobe might look appealing; but your little one will outgrow her clothes quickly.

Don’t let the buying overburden you, savor and cherish each moment as you imagine a new life soon snuggle in all those cute outfits!

There is nothing more comforting than being prepared for your baby’s arrival. After the marathon of childbirth, the last thing you want is frantic shopping trips.

* About the author *

This article has been provided by ParentingSurvivalGuide.com.

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Have you ever noticed that everything is a battle with your child? If it is, then one of three things is happening. Your child, you or both are in a competitive need cycle. What is a competitive need cycle?

As humans, we are all born with five basic needs that we are genetically programmed to attempt to meet. They are survival, love & belonging, power, freedom and fun. Without getting into the detail of the developmental model described in Nancy Buck’s book, Peaceful Parenting, power and freedom combine to make the competitive need cycle.

When people are in a competitive, need cycle they are most strongly driven by the need to gain more power and freedom in their lives. With a parent and child, this is typically represented by the parent refusing to consider to allow their child to do something. The parent is attempting to meet the power need by keeping his or her child safe and the freedom need by extricating him or herself from the worry of wondering about his or her child while the child would be engaged in the forbidden activity.

The child, on the other hand, is attempting to meet the power need by having new experiences and exploring the world and to meet the freedom need by gaining time away from restrictive parental supervision. When a parent and child are both in their competitive need cycle, naturally a power struggle ensues.

I have four examples of situations and possible solutions if you, the parent, are willing to consider focusing on your cooperative needs of love & belonging and fun instead. Why do you, the parent, have to be the one to it differently? Because it is you who are dissatisfied with the situation. Whose behavior can you control? Hopefully, you understand that you cannot control your child’s behavior as much as I know you’d like to at times. The only person’s behavior you can control is your own.

Since it is you and not your child who is reading this article, I’m talking to you about what you can do to improve the situation.

Staying focused on changing your child will only lead to your frustration and a break down of your relationship. You won’t be successful at long-term change in your child. He or she may acquiesce while in your presence but there won’t be the required internal motivation to change required for any long-term transformation. So, let’s look at what you do have control of—the way you respond to your child’s push to meet his or her power and freedom needs.

Rebecca:

The first situation I want to talk about involves ten year-old Rebecca. Rebecca’s parents came to me frustrated over the fact they were unsuccessful enforcing Rebecca’s bedtime and she would frequently be grumpy because of lack of adequate sleep. They also were hoping for some down time to spend some quality time with each other without children around.

After, evaluating what was really important, the parents spoke to Rebecca about no longer enforcing her bedtime. They explained that she could go to bed whenever she pleased as long as she was able to get up in the morning, get to school and be relatively pleasant with family members. However, there would be a household quiet time that would begin at 9 PM. At that time, everyone needed to be in his or her own bedrooms engaged in quiet activity.

These parents couldn’t wait to tell me how great it worked! Since Rebecca had no parents fighting with her to go to bed, she could no longer meet her power need fighting with them. Consequently, she began to go to bed when she got tired and stopped fighting sleep. Steve and Mary were able to get the quiet couple time they needed so everybody won.

Veronica:

The second situation involves my friend, Denise, and her daughter, Veronica. Veronica is 11 years-old and wanted to have her hair highlighted like all her friends do but Denise was opposed to the idea. While discussing the situation with me, Denise realized that she was concerned about the maintenance costs of highlights and the damage that will be done to her daughter’s beautiful hair if she starts applying chemicals to it at her early age. Of course, Denise had explained none of this to Veronica.

What she did say was, “No, you are too young to have your hair highlighted. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you should.” Does that sound familiar? What I suggested instead is that she tells Veronica her concerns.

Denise started by saying that she wanted to revisit their conversation about highlights. Denise agreed to Veronica’s initial request to be given the highlights as a birthday gift. But then, she asked Veronica what her plan was for upkeep. Denise explained that she would have to have the highlighting process done every two months or so and that it would cost approximately $60 each time. Denise offered to give Veronica money for helping out doing extra chores around the house.

Since Veronica had agreed to this before and failed in the follow through, Denise asked another question. She said, “Veronica, I know you have agreed to do extra chores in the past and you didn’t consistently follow through. If history repeats itself and you don’t have the money you need for the highlights, are you prepared for what your hair will look like once the roots grow out?”

She also discussed with Veronica the concern for the health of her hair. She said that starting to put chemicals into one’s hair at eleven did not bode well for maintaining healthy looking hair into adulthood.

Denise marveled at what happened next. She said that what had been a heated battle between them for months turned into a non-issue. Veronica decided she no longer wanted highlights in her hair. She realized that she probably won’t do the chores to earn the extra money needed and

that she doesn’t want to look “weird” while her hair is growing out. It’s amazing what happens when we align ourselves with our opponent’s resistance. It’s a concept that has been taught in martial arts within the physical realm for centuries but it can easily be applied to the mental realm in parenting just as easily

Carrie:

The third scenario involved a mother’s horror when she learned what her eight year-old daughter had done. This mother, Linda, sent her daughter, Carrie, to swim camp. Carrie had been a swimmer for quite some time but this was the first time she was actually exposed to older swimmers at camp.

She learned from them that a good way to shave time off her record is to shave the hair off her entire body. Now what hair could an eight year-old have? It didn’t matter—Carrie was determined to shave everywhere except the hair on her head. Linda, in horror, forbids her to do it.

What was Linda concerned about? It was a multitude of things. First of all, her daughter was too young to start shaving. Secondly, she was concerned that if she began shaving, then her hair would grow back very dark and course. (Of course, this is an old wife’s tale that many of my generation was exposed to.)

Linda was shocked to learn that despite her refusal to allow Carrie to shave, Carrie later went into the bathroom, took a dry razor to her skin, and shaved anyway. Unbelievably, at her next swim meet, she had the best time of her short life to that point. Did shaving help her or was it the power of her belief that the shaving helped? I can’t answer that question. However, the point is that what actually happened was worse than the original fears Linda had about Carrie shaving.

Had Linda listened to the desires of her daughter and she was willing to consider the request, she may have spoken to a pediatrician and learned that her second fear was unfounded. Then she might have been able to assist Carrie to shave safely instead of with a dry razor and no supervision at all.

What parents often fail to realize is that just because they tell their child no does not mean that their child will dutifully obey. Often a “no” means that their child will proceed stealthily without parental permission anyway. When this occurs, the child is doing something the parent doesn’t approve of and the parent has no idea and therefore, no opportunity to discuss the possible dangers and concerns.

My Children & Their Friends:I used to see this a lot when my boys were older. They would have friends whose parents were quite strict and would not give permission for them to attend parties where it was known there would be alcohol and no parental supervision. On the surface, this makes perfect sense. What responsible parent wants their child at a party drinking without any adults to intervene if there is a problem?

However, in refusing their child permission to go, what I often saw was that same child telling their parent that he or she was going to stay overnight at a friend’s house. Then that friend would tell his or her parents that he or she was going to stay at the first friend’s house. In essence, what resulted was two children out all night, doing God knows what, without any adult having any information about what was happening.

My approach with my children when they would want to go to a party was to discuss the things I was afraid of. If they had an explanation for what they would do to handle the problems about which I was concerned, then I would generally allow them to go. If they couldn’t address certain situations, then they would not be permitted to go until there was a reasonable plan in place to address my concerns.

The main things I was concerned about were not drinking and driving. What would they do if offered drugs? What would they do if someone showed dangerous signs of having too much? What would they do if violence broke out or things got out of hand? What would they do and what did they expect me to do if the party were raided by police? Over time, we discussed all of these situations so that I was satisfied that my children could handle them if they ever came up.

This resulted in me having peace of mind and generally, enough information about where my children were going to be and what they were going to be doing to satisfy me. It is not an easy way to parent and it sure doesn’t guarantee that your children will always make the best decision.

What it does do, however, is it stops making you the person your children have to fight in their attempts to get their needs met. It keeps your relationship with your children strong and influential. It allows you, as the parent, to discuss situations and possibilities you normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to discuss. In addition, it helps your children to become better decision makers, problem solvers and to anticipate circumstances before they arise.

If you would like to study this kind of parenting, you can join us for any number of possibilities. Visit out website www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check out our “Parenting” page for more information.

Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor and a life/relationship coach. She helps people unleash their personal power by living from the inside out, focusing their time and energy on only those things they can control. She also helps people improve the quality of their relationships with the important people in their lives. She offers free chats, assessments, a blog and an eZine, as well as workshops, teleclasses, e-courses, counseling and coaching. Visit her website at http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz or contact her at (708) 957-6047.

Alcohol Abuse information, tips, recovery and treatment.

For Students

* The Law of a Good Start: Both parents and students say they get off to a great start and then begin to fall off. It’s human nature. We start to do well and then think we have arrived and can begin to coast. It doesn’t work.

* The Law of Staying Out in Front: Keep doing the things that got you off to a good start, or do them even more. Another way to stay out in front is to take whatever deadlines are given to you and move them up. In this way, you can be done in plenty of time and can relax.

* The Law of Manageable Pieces: Once you hit middle school, you have many classes and all the work that comes with each class. If you look at it as a whole, you will become overwhelmed. Break it down into smaller pieces, one class at a time, one assignment at a time. Do that one assignment well and then move on to the next. Doing small pieces one at a time allows you to accomplish a great deal more than you thought you could.

* The Law of Procrastination: Beware the words “I’ll do it later” because later rarely comes. If you can get a handle on beating procrastination now, you will be way ahead of most folks. The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, put it off. Tell yourself you will procrastinate later and do it now instead.

For Parents

*The Law of Report Cards: Report Cards can show much more than grades. If grades are low in the morning classes and higher in the afternoon, it could be an indication of too little sleep. If the grades are consistently lower after lunch, what might be going on at lunchtime?

It’s also important to remember that grades are merely a measure of aptitude, effort and ability. They are not a measure of your child’s

worth.

* The Law of Knowing: Here are three things every parent should take the time to get to know: your child’s teacher; the material your child is being taught; your child’s friends and the parents of those friends.

Go to school. Meet the teachers. Ask questions. If you want to do something radical;, invite your child’s teacher over for dinner. You can get to know better someone who is influencing you child; the teacher can get to know your student’s family; your child gets to see that teachers are regular people.

* The Law of Different Perception: This one is especially important for parents. For the most part, parents and kids have very different perceptions when it comes to school. The parent’s perception is that we work for a living and want to do well at our job. Kids don’t work, so school is their job, and, of course, they should want to do well at it.

Often, however, the perception of kids is that school is their social world, interrupted by six or seven classes a day. These differing perceptions often create a wide gap to bridge.

* The Law of Importance: This is probably the most difficult one to flesh out in the real world. At some point, school needs to become more important to your child than it is to you. Somewhere along the line, she must find something to be excited about that is separate from your desires and expectations.

At some point, students need to be put in charge of school and be responsible for the outcome.

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What is ADHD?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurobiological disorder found in both children and adults. Behavioral symptoms of ADHD include distractibility, impulsivity and hyperactivity. Children with ADHD can be challenging to parent as they often have difficulty following direction and are constantly in motion.

The Benefits of Play

Play is the language of children. Play is how children learn to interact with people and the environment around them. Play can help parents learn to understand their children better. Parent and child relationships are strengthened when parent and child play together.

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” – Plato

ADHD and Play

Play is the foundation of a child’s life, but ADHD children have difficulty staying still, difficulty waiting for a turn, difficulty maintaining attention and change their activity frequently. So how, exactly, do you play with an ADHD child without losing your mind?

First, determine what your goal is for the play session. Are you working on some sort of skill development? Or are you looking to share some fun bonding time? These two outcomes do not need to be mutually exclusive, but your primary goal will help you set the play environment. Play focused on skill development will have more rules and require more concentration. If you just want to have fun with each other, there can be fewer boundaries and you can make up the rules as you go along. Make sure that you and your child share both types of play on a regular basis.

When you begin to play with your child, make sure that you both know what to expect. As the parent of an ADHD child, you should remember that your child may want to quit before you’re done. They may also get distracted easily and stray from what you are doing. Do your best to avoid distractions. Whenever possible, limit play sessions to include only two people. The one-on-one interaction is less stimulating for the child, will allow for better focus and will cause fewer problems. Keep play time relatively short and take frequent breaks. Give your child plenty of notice when play time is almost

over. Your child will also need expectations set. Make sure rules and directions are clearly explained using short, concise instructions whenever possible and maintain eye-to-eye contact. Setting expectations for both of you won’t prevent problems, but it will decrease frustration if something doesn’t go just right.

“If a child is overwhelmed by too many stimuli, you may want to keep the toys in a toy room and pull out only one or two at a time.” – Carol Watkins, M.D.

As you play, use plenty of positive reinforcement and praise accomplishments. ADHD children often hear too much criticism and play time is the perfect time to release some of that negativity.

Let your child use their endless supply of energy! Get them involved in plenty of physical activities. Bike riding is an excellent way to use energy. Consider using a tag-along or a bike made for two if you often ride in places that aren’t safe for an impulsive child. Keep your child’s strengths and weaknesses in mind before joining a team sport. For some children, teams work well, but for others it only spells defeat.

“Go to what they can tolerate and don’t do it for real long.” – Risë VanFleet, Ph.D., RPT-S

ADHD children also have big imaginations. Creative activities compliment the ADHD child’s mind. Activities such as building, drawing and imagination games provide a healthy outlet for their mental energy. Another way to use mental energy could be a solid game of chess. ADHD children often think only of the current moment. Chess can teach your child how to think ahead, as each move builds on the prior move, and also helps the child to learn to finish tasks that are started.

So, whether your goal is to teach or just goof around, know your expectations, limit distractions, be safe, and HAVE FUN!!

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*disclaimer – This article is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice. The views expressed here are the personal opinions of the author.

About the Author: K.C. Gagne is the owner of Connecting Rainbows, a resource website for women. She is also the parent of an ADHD child. You can contact her via email at kathleen@connectingrainbows.com