Parenting resources

There are a few points about shyness in children which will help you better understand the best approach in dealing with your child. You will need to identify the nature of your child’s shyness. Children are shy in different ways for different reasons. Understanding the nature of your child’s shyness will help you develop a program geared towards your child’s specific needs. Here are some tips to help you get started.

1. First of all, are you sure your child really is shy? Some children like to size up a situation before they jump in. Caution should not be misunderstood as shyness.

2. You’ll need to find out the type of situations that make your child shy. Some children are shy only when they are in a group. Others become shy when asked to make a presentation in front of the class at school. Try to identify the specific skills your child needs to be more at ease in social situations which make them to be shy.

3. Don’t call your child “shy”. Studies have shown that often a child will grow to fit a label. Parental pressure on the shy child can cause anxiety and insecurity, leading to a worse problem with shyness. Don’t push your child to achieve above his or her individual level. If you have to use the word ‘shy’ to describe your child always pair it with something positive, e.g. “John is a little shy around people but he is a brilliant pianist!”

4. Never compare your shy child with other children in a negative way. And never allow anyone else to hurt your

child in this way.

5. Take your child’s ideas seriously. By lessening the importance of a child’s concerns you lessen the child.

6. Help your child identify talents and hobbies that make him or her feel special.

7. Seek out activities that offer an opportunity for growth and increased interaction with other children of his or her age. Encourage your child to get involved in activities with others. Don’t allow too many isolating activities, like watching TV.

8. Never push your child to do things he or she would find unbearable. Rather, make suggestions, but realize your child may not be ready. Be patient.

9. You need not handle your shy child with kid gloves, but be aware of how he feels and show that you understand.

10. Seek qualified professional help if necessary.

Being shy doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong with your child. It simply means that your child is uncomfortable in social situations. You can start your search for help by reading books, talking with other parents of shy children, taking classes, searching for information on the web or by speaking with your pastor. But if your child needs immediate help it’s best to consult a qualified child counsellor. You can read some more articles about parenting at: http://www.baby-shop.org.uk/guide/

Copyright © 2005, Bridget Mwape writes for the Baby Shop UK: http://www.baby-shop.org.uk/ which features baby information including articles and discounts on baby products, gifts and advice from other parents.

This article may be republished as long as all the above links are active and clickable and this author box (byline) is not edited.

Q. We recently caught our son smoking pot, and we wonder whether he’s doing more stuff. We have reason to believe he has been hiding drugs in his room, and we’re wondering whether we should go into his room to see whether we can find anything. Some parents we’ve talked to say yes. Others say, “Don’t invade his privacy because you will lose his trust.” What do you think we should do?

A. Based on more than 25 years of working with teen-agers and families, I suggest:

Absolutely, yes, go check out his room.

I say this for at least three reasons:

1) It’s your house.

You bought it. You pay the mortgage. You can go anywhere in the house you wish to go.

End of story.

2) You have reason to believe that there is something dangerous in your son’s room.

If you knew there was a poisonous snake or a ticking bomb in his room, would you want to go in and get it out?

Of course.

You have reason to believe there is something both poisonous and explosive in his room.

Find

out and get it out.

3) While you are correct to believe that trust is a crucial issue here, the trust between you already has been broken.

Your son broke it when he began to smoke pot and keep it from you. And in my experience, there is usually more that you do not know behind what you have already discovered.

Your first job is to get him safe, and then you can work on rebuilding the trust.

You can look through his room and then deal with him about whatever you find. Another way to look through his room is to do it with him, and then you get to deal with whatever you find as you find it.

Either way, he certainly won’t like it much, but that is not the issue.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring .

“Just turn the lights off and go to sleep”

Do you find yourself saying this to your child? Well, you’re not alone!!Sleep problems are some of the most common problems parents face with their children. Some parents struggle with getting their child to sleep through the night. New parents worry about how to help their child learn good sleep habits that last a lifetime. And still others wonder if their child’s sleep difficulties are chronic and are concerned that their child may be going through their days sleep-deprived.

Studies reveal that a significant number of children have some form of a sleep disturbance. Sleep disturbances among children and adolescents are common. Prolonged changes in sleep patterns, if left untreated, can result in significant emotional, behavioral, and cognitive impairment and can put your child at risk for poor school performance, accidents, and social or medical problems. The key is to identify changes in sleep, and to know when to seek assistance.

Sleep disturbance can take several forms including:

• difficulty falling asleep

• trouble staying asleep

• frequently awakening

There also are other variations of sleep issues known as parasomnias, e.g., night terrors or sleepwalking.

To alleviate your child’s sleep disturbance, try these simple steps:

• Keep bedtime at the same time each night: This helps your child establish a structure and enforces a predictable routine.

• Monitor unnecessary environmental stimuli: Minimize the light and noise in the child’s bedroom (music, lights)

• Encourage pre-bedtime relaxation: Children respond well to activities that allow them to wind down such as a warm bath, massage or aromatherapy

• Share some activity: Dedicate time to reading a bedtime story or talking about your child’s day and encouraging meditation and reflection

• Plan the transition: Ease the child into new processes by discussing changes and comforting their transition into healthy sleep habits

Sleep in its natural form is the only way our bodies can re-charge. Beyond resting, sleep

serves many functions including memory preservation. If your child is not receiving the quality and quantity of sleep that is required (typically 8-12 hours each night is optimal), the toll can be enormous. Performance in school, interacting with others and activities of daily living may diminish in quality. The origins of a sleep disturbance may range from anxiety tied to emotional conflicts, such as fear of an upcoming test or excitement over a speaking part in the school play, to medical issues such as apnea. It is important that the underlying issue be addressed, no matter the source, to resolve the sleep disturbance and give your child their best shot at life.

Remember always to take into account where your child is in their developmental stage, because some sleep issues are age-appropriate. If you have exhausted the suggestions listed above, then possibly the need for professional intervention is warranted. You are the expert when it comes to your child and their sleep patterns. If you have a concern, trust your instinct and seek professional advice.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’tdanced on television.” (Erma Bombeck, 1927-1996)

Once upon a time not so very long ago, you probably envisionedthat your children would be good, healthy eaters while growingup. Naturally, they would like everything you placed beforethem on the dinner table, and would beg for seconds andsometimes thirds. However, because you are reading thisarticle, that lovely bubble has most likely popped anddisintegrated into the mess you may find yourself cleaning offthe floor, table, or wherever your delicious entrees happen toland thanks to your picky eaters.

Keeping up with your child’s picky eating preferences can befrustrating, especially when one week he or she will only eatpeanut-butter sandwiches, and the next cheese-covered Frenchfries. Then, when he or she develops the nasty habit of puttingcatsup on everything – including ice cream – you may think youhave reached the ultimate level of gross-out.

Do not despair because eventually your picky eater child willbecome bored with that food of choice and move on to somethingelse!

Many children undergo a period of highly selective eating,commonly referred to as “picky eaters.” The reality is that allchildren (not just what you might consider a picky eater child)do not have the same taste buds as adults. Instead, theirpalates are undeveloped and may be more sensitive

to differenttextures, flavors, and spices.

As children grow older, their tastes literally change, expandingto include more foods – but not always. When this does nothappen, clever picky eater coping strategies are needed.

Many explanations exist for children’s unusual picky eatinghabits that bypass biological and developmental reasons. Today,you will discover numerous forms of public awareness andunderstanding about picky eaters. In fact, discussion forumsand clubs devoted to the mysteries of picky eaters, along withwhat makes these folks tick are everywhere. We are not justtalking about kids, but also adults who grew up as picky eatersand now find themselves in this exclusive category as theystruggle with their unique appetites.

Remember, when it comes to picky eaters, “unique” is thekeyword. Your picky eater child may have a different palate,but he or she is not strange, weird, or even unusual. A varietyof reasons could account for his or her taste buds being apartfrom other children.

If you would like to learn more about the reasons certain kidsare picky eaters or discover some great tasting and easy toprepare picky eater recipes then visit http://mypickyeater.com

Learn step-by-step how to successfully cope with Picky Eaters with Help There is a Picky Eater in The House! Full of Proven Strategies and Great Picky Eater Recipes that are Guaranteed to Help. http://www.mypickyeater.com

Moving house can be an emotional experience for adults, so imagine how much more unsettling it can be for children who don’t really understand what’s going on.

There are many things to consider when relocating, none more important than the impact of moving on your children.

REMAIN POSITIVE:

The secret is to remain positive.

Most often the reason for moving is a happy one, such as a new home or job promotion, which generates excitement and compensates for the inconvenience of packing up and relocating.

However if the move is associated with an unhappy event it can be hard to keep a positive attitude in front of the children.

Children feed off the emotions of their parents.

If you are not happy the chances are they are not happy either and will need more reassurance and attention to ensure the move is a positive experience for all of you.

TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN:

Explain to your children what’s happening, why you are moving, where you are moving to and what they can do

to help so that they feel a part of what’s happening.

Listen to them.

Let them express how they are feeling, and empathise with them, even if some of their feelings are negative.

It is only natural they will be concerned, leaving familiar surroundings and friends.

Leaving the known for the unknown can be pretty scary.

Most importantly be honest with your children.

Reassure them that they are an important part of the family, and can help make the move a positive family experience.

TEARS AND TANTRUMS:

Children express their anxiety in a number of ways.

Tears and tantrums are the most common. If your children have moved before, and the experience was not a happy one, they may show signs of depression, withdrawn behaviour, or signs of aggression such as tantrums.

Once again, the answer is lots of reassurance and a positive attitude.

You can read more of this article at Moving Again

Jason Hill is the owner of Moving Again, a successful Interstate Removal Company in Australia.

Whether we realize it or not we teach our children about money every day. Sometimes we teach with words and sometimes with actions. I’m sure at one time or another the following scenario as happened to you or something close to it: “Mom, can we go buy some toys?” You say, “We don’t have the money for that right now.” Your children reply, “Just go to the ATM and get the money.” You then make a comment to the effect, “There has to be money in my account in order to get money from the ATM.” I still remember the first time I had that conversation and my children’s jaws dropped. It never occurred to them that you had to have money in order to get money out of the ATM machine. They just saw the ATM as the cash machine – Free money. Don’t we all wish that was true!

Let me share with you another conversation we had in my house. We were giving out allowances and we always give it to them in change, so they can take their offering to church. My son said, “Why, do we give money to church anyway?” My daughter quickly piped up, “Because, the Bible tells us to.” She is accurate that the Bible instructs us to give to church, but there is a better explanation. (For the record, I don’t like using because the Bible says so – we need to teach our children about the reasons God gives us instructions and his promises in the Bible.) We give money to church, because God owns everything anyway. All that we have has been given to us from Him and he owns it all. We are only giving a small portion back to thank Him for the bounty he has given us. So, we give the church a praise offering for what God has graciously given us.

Many people have different views about money. Some don’t want to tell their children anything about how much they make and how they pay bills. They don’t want their children to know that and see that as private. Some people give their children way too much information and then children worry

if things are tight. I think there is a middle ground. How are children going to learn to spend money wisely if we don’t show them? I think it is important for you to share with children how things were in the lean years of your family. That maybe right now. Many children today, when they become adults, want to start out where their parents ended up. They don’t see all the difficult times that led up to where their parents are now. Share with your children in age appropriate ways how to spend and save money. Teach your children how to compare prices and shop for a bargain. I have seen many teenagers over the years and I’m amazed at when they start spending their own money for clothing all the sudden Wal-Mart doesn’t look so bad anymore, instead of the high priced stores they want parents to spend their money.

In conclusion, what and how are you teaching your children about money? Do they know that God is in control? Do they see you giving to church? Do they even know how bills are paid? Maybe you are saying, “I have been a poor manager of money, who am I to teach them?” We are all learning and God is gracious to help us when we make mistakes. He can help you know what to say and how to teach your children about money. Ask God to help you manage your money wisely and set a good example for your children.

© 2005 Kimberly Chastain

Kimberly Chastain, MS, LMFT is the Christian Working Mom Coach and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She was recently featured in the book the Myth of the Perfect Mother. She is the author of “Help My Preteen/Teenager is Driving Me Nuts!!!” To purchase a copy of this e-book please visit http://www.kimberlychastain.com/parenting To schedule a free, initial coaching session send an email to free@kimberlychastain.com or visit http://www.christianworkingmom.com Feel free to make comments on this article at the Christian Working Mom Blog, http://kimberlychastain.com/my-journal

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Look around: Your kids are counting sleeps until the last day of school, the local outdoor swimming pool is open, and the temperature has sky-rocketed. Summer is here! Are you still stuck in your winter routine? The one filled with rushing around to after school programs, play dates and endless birthday parties. Do you still feel the pressure of hurrying your kids to catch the school bus and rushing out after them to deliver the lunch that little Amanda forgot on the table? Summer is here! Time to relax!

Summertime is a time to relax some of our daily routines, allowing more flexibility into our lives. The holidays are often a time where we anticipate lots of wonderful family time together to create and share experiences that are timeless. Yet many parents dread some of the practical challenges of getting through the summer. Many people can’t afford to totally disengage from the routine of work and adult commitments to spend as much time with their children as they would like. Don’t get caught up in the “all or nothing” mindset – even small changes in your daily schedule can go a long way to helping your child feel like the priority in your day.

Creating more time in a busy adult life is easier if you follow these five simple steps:

1. Identify the barriers blocking flexibility in your schedule.<.b> Look for areas in your schedule that can be traded off for more time with your children.

2. Address each issue identified above and rate as flexible or inflexible. For example, a weekly team meeting would rank as an inflexible activity whereas an hour at the gym after dinner would rank as flexible.

3. Engage your child in the planning of shared time. Make sure the time you spend together is valuable. Plan activities that you both will enjoy and that allow for parent / child interactions.

4. Be Mindful. Remember, you can’t be everything to everybody. Sometimes your commitments as an adult conflict with your commitments as a parent. When conflicts arise, talk to your children to explain the situation and let them know how you feel.

5. Respect. Everyone needs time alone. Remember to respect your and your child’s need for “me” time

Let’s look at an example:

Julie is a busy solo-entrepreneur running a web design business from home. She has an eleven year-old daughter, Sierra, who is days away from the start of her summer vacation. Julie has signed Sierra up for summer day camps but she also wants

to spend more time with her this summer.

She looks at her schedule. Mondays are usually set aside to start new projects or meet with prospects. Tuesdays and Thursdays she goes out to a yoga class after dinner. Wednesday are usually pretty light, with mornings set aside for medical appointments or grocery shopping. Thursdays vary – some weeks busy, others are dedicated to business planning and strategizing for her own business. Fridays are traditionally project end and launch days.

Julie looks for holes in her schedule and finds that some activities can be combined with time with her child. Sierra loves dancing so Julie trades her yoga classes for ballet lessons with Sierra. As she has a fair bit of flexibility with her Wednesday and Thursday schedules, Julie decides to shorten her work week for two months of the year to free up Fridays to spend time with Sierra. From June 30th to September 1st, Thursday is the project end date. She contacts another freelance web designer to arrange for emergency coverage on Fridays. Julie’s clients are notified of the summer hours and of the additional coverage available on Fridays should any emergencies arise.

Mother and daughter sit down and start planning activities for their first long weekend and decide on a trip to the water park. Now mom and daughter are both counting sleeps to the weekend!

Remember: It doesn’t take much effort to make small changes in your routine to allow more time with your children. The time that you spend (or don’t spend) with your child has lasting effects on their self-esteem and self-worth. Though it may at times be challenging to affect lasting change, it’s worth the effort! After all, these are the days that create lasting memories.

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com.